So lately, I’ve been feeling a little… ughhh. Not annoyed,
not irritated or anything like that. Just overwhelmed. The saying, “There’s not
enough hours in the day,” doesn’t even begin to state where I’m standing right
now.
Back when I was a Single Mom, I do not know how I was able
to do it. I was in school full time, working full time, held a church calling
as the second counselor in the Primary for nearly 3 years, hitting the gym on
the regular and that all began with Henele as a baby in diapers. I look back
and ask myself, how was able to do all that by myself.
Now that my family is complete and I have Leroy back in my
life and things have fallen back into place, I would only assume, I would be
able to handle the same exact load and more! But no. I feel like I’m doing half
what I did as a Single Mom with no time and no energy.
My laundry baskets are empty for not even 12 hours. I don’t
get it? Where am I falling short? I have gained so much back after losing so
much weight. I’m stressed way too much. I go to work and feel like I can’t
hang. Literally. I can’t. Midnight hits and I’m just drained completely.
Leroy works so much. It’s almost as if he still were not here,
as if I were still a single mom. I have a much bigger income with him. The only
thing I can think of is that both kids are in school. Henele has preschool on
Monday and Wednesday from 8:30 am to 11:30 am. Tamara has Kindergarten from
12:15 to 3:20 pm all week except Friday where it’s a short day.
Mondays are hard for me to get up and take Henele to school,
then pick him up and be back at the school 45 minutes later to drop off Tamara.
While Henele is at school I’m tutoring Tamara and helping her with Homework
because by the time both me and Leroy get home from work, both kids are just
about out for the night.
I am constantly complaining that I never see the kids. The
few hours in the morning that I am not at work, they are at school half that
time and then when I get to work, I don’t get off till midnight.
I’m exhausted.
And trying to keep the bills straight cause I swear they be
switching up dates on me, other house needs like laundry, grocery and simply
keeping it clean is so hard to get done and keep up with. Half the time I don’t know if Leroy even has a
lunch for work or not. If the kids are even eating. How they are keeping up
with their school. I HAVE NO IDEA!
Did I mention? I was called to the Young Women as their Second
Counselor. So there’s more time I have to dig up for. Not that I think it’s a
burden. I’m actually excited to work along side these girls and hope that I can
be a light to them as they grow into Women.
All I’m saying is that I am at my wits end! I need to quit
my job! My kids need their Mom!
I look back on when all this began. When the stress and overwhelming
stuff began and it was exactly when school started.
My job is such a blessing though. It’s good money. But since
Leroy is making more then double what I make and gets paid weekly. I ask
myself, what is more valuable? – My biweekly paycheck with struggling kids in
school and a suffering home, or no biweekly paycheck with a mom that can
actually nurture the kids.
I think it is time I let go of the Job and maybe just find
something a little more accommodating with home. Like a part time job that is
flexible around the kids at school.
I hope I get it together and make my move. Whatever move it
is, I hope is the right one.
My grown up Christmas List consists of - a Zen Life at home with the kids.
Xoxo Via
