"People are often unreasonable, irrational and self centered; forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; be kind anyway. If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies; succeed anyway. If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you; be honest and sincere. What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight; create anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous; be happy anyway. The good you do today, will often be forgotten; do good anyway. Give the best you have and it may never be enough; give your best anyway. In the final analysis, it is between you and God; it was never between you and them anyway." - Mother Theresa

Thursday, October 27, 2011

The Letter

Dear Son,

We are now 33 weeks along with you and I just wanted to take this time to thank you for all of the most recent SLEEPLESS nights we've had together. I can tell you like party like a rock star till the sun comes back up in the morning. I can tell that one year from now, as you start learning how to walk, you will already be a huge HEADACHE to me.

As we come to a close of this pregnancy in preparation for your arrival, I know right this second you hold all the cards, but BE PREPARED! Your cards will only last you another 7 weeks, SO USE THEM WISELY! Come December there is only one thing you will always know...

Your Mother Is No Joke!

Other than that, I can't wait to meet you. You already make me happy, minus the cramps and bladder jabs. We will see ya in 7 weeks, give or take a day or two! 

Love you forever,
Your Mother

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

A Pirate Princess






 So me and Tamara went shopping today for her Halloween Costume. I had so much fun, minus the random temper tantrums of course! But other then that, I feel like we have been all over Salt Lake City today, only to end up getting her costume at a local Walmart. I knew I would end up getting it from there but thought, why not shop around in hopes to find something more unique at a better looking price that's within our budget.

While at Walmart, I had found two costumes that I would be fine with getting her, A Witch or A Pirate Princess! I look at Tamara sitting in the cart holding both costumes and ask, "Which one?" She points at the Pirate Princess first and then the Witch. I start to laugh thinking the most obvious tie breaker for the two choices and say to her, "You're already a Witch, A Pirate Princess it is!" All the Moms around me start to laugh at what I had just said. I put her costume in the cart and off we go.

Last year Tamara was an Angel. As, a year ago, she really was an Angel. But it had started to snow early last year that we never got the chance to take her out to take pictures. And if we did, I have no idea where they would be stored.

But these pictures are from just a couple hours ago. We had put on her costume and I took her outside to get some good pictures before it got too dark. Unfortunately it was already too cold so we had to go fast! As you see how our little Halloween photo shoot ended with a little Pirate Pouter! I don't blame her at all though. I like to say to myself when it comes to kids, "Kids will be kids."

I love my little Pirate Princess!

Thursday, October 20, 2011

1 Year Later

I was watching Tamara play in the sandbox today in the front yard and started thinking, "What is it gonna be like in 1 year?" Tamara will be talking some by then. She will be a big sister. Where will me and my kids be then? Still at home with Mom and Dad? Our own place? Where will I be working then? What will life be like? Will Leroy be around? I really do hope that things will at least be okay. I guess the only thing I can do or at least the best thing for me to do, is my best. And hope that I will simply be able to see 1 year later.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Being More Happy

Leroy is a loser! He hasn't come to visit Tamara in almost a week! Sad story! I feel the longer he stays away, the angrier I am at him. Why? Cause it just goes to show how much he really does care about Tamara. I'm getting to the point where I don't ever want him to see her again for the rest of her life. If he really did love her, he would visit her. He calls maybe once or twice a day only for me to ignore it. Tamara deserves so much better. I just wanna go slash his tires so he really can't see her. He'll find his way back running to his mommy and daddy, who thank goodness live all the way in Alaska!

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Still Truggin Along

Tamara is the light of my life. I don't know what I would do with my little girl. She's every kind of unique! She's both bad and good, which I think is necessary in everyone's life. She talks so much like my Grandma Silivia. It's incredible! Lately we've been pretty much giving ourselves a fresh new start. We have our "regulars," our morning routine and our "closing our day" routine. It's sort of repetitive so I really need to throw in a couple of different things every now and then. The last thing I want is for Tamara to live a life and already know "what's next" on the agenda.
She is growing up so fast. Every day when I go to work I always wish to myself if I could spend every minute of everyday with Tamara. She really does keep me up these days with my marital issues going on and all. Here are some recent pics of Tamara growing right before my eyes.




 In the front yard at Grandmas House enjoying a nice sun shining fall day.
Picture taken October 15, 2011









Tamara almost losing her balance randomly. She's so silly!














Tamara found some yummy treats in Uncle Willy's Room and that's what she is in her mouth behind that there smile.









Tamara posing for the Camera! She turns 2 in less than a month!!















SHE'S SO GUILTY!!

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Broken

I'm tired. I hate being fake in front of Tamara as if I'm happy and everything is o.k. when really in the back of my head, I'm the total opposite. It's so hard to let go. I have to keep telling myself that all of this was out of my control. My headaches have reached a level I don't think anyone has reached. Here I am complaining and hurting over my broken family when there are much more important things I need to be focused on. Hello Via.... You're due in two months! My poor Son has no choice but to feel what I feel.
Lately, I've been resorting to reading books, whether it's a couple chapters in the Book of Mormon with Tamara or just a book. I started reading one of my Sisters books I found in her room the other day. It's called, "Not Easily Broken." The title just seemed to go along with all the crap that's going on in my life. I like the book so far. I just hope that it has a good strong struggle that someone will overcome and hopefully through their triumphs, it can help me get through mine. At the point I'm at, I'm willing to take on anything to get over all the hurt and pain.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

A Broken Heart

Man, this sucks! I wish I could fast forward through everything that's going on right now. I want to cry! I want to beat someone up so bad! I'm tired of being such a Angry Angie! Why? Cause my poor little Tamara Leethee gets a lot of my hard feelings. She's done nothing wrong but be the beautiful, fun, and outgoing little girl she is. I just want to scream to Leroy, "THEY DON'T DESERVE THIS!!" I want to hurt him so bad that his suffering drops him to his knees and makes him cry out to the Lord begging for a way out.
And even though I take a lot of my anger out on him, umm hello??... VIA, YOU ARE JUST AS STUPID!! I'm constantly telling myself that if I would have done things the right way, I wouldn't be hating the life I've created for my kids. Everything I've done so far has all backfired on my kids. I could careless for mine, it's theirs that breaks me when I think of the kind of life I'm putting them through.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Trying

 I put such a hard shell on when I'm around everyone and I do feel it's necessary. But at the same time I have my moments where I simply just break down. Before I go to sleep at night, I can't help but dwell on it all and think about everything. From the good to the bad, wondering if one outweighs the other. I've thought about blogging about it but then think to myself of how stupid I would be to constantly only blog about me getting through it all and hiding the times I let go. I want the best for my kids. I want them to grow up with both their mom and their dad, being able to see them each and everyday. Having one or the other to confide in when they are in need of it.
Now, I can't give them that. I'm alone. I have to try my hardest to play both roles. It's hard. Getting over him alone is hard. I wonder if every day for the rest of my life, will I think about this. Cause I do now.
Do tears really heal the soul? Cause if it did, It's not working for me. How many sleepless nights will I have to endure? And really, how did I let it get this far?
Although the weight of the car has pretty much been lifted off my shoulder. I can't help but ask. Why help the one that has brought so much heartache and pain? All I've done has only brought shame to our family. Lee, the third oldest of us seven kids, looks at me and says, "That's just it, we're family. We might not agree with some of the decisions you've made in your life, but that doesn't mean we won't be here for you when you need us." As we each continue to push, I ask, "Where did you guys come from? How did you know where to find me." Mom looks at me as she carries Tamara to calm her from crying and says, "We will never be too far. We will always be close enough to help you carry the heavy load." The peak of the hill not too far now, I can't help but let out a sigh of relief.