"People are often unreasonable, irrational and self centered; forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; be kind anyway. If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies; succeed anyway. If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you; be honest and sincere. What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight; create anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous; be happy anyway. The good you do today, will often be forgotten; do good anyway. Give the best you have and it may never be enough; give your best anyway. In the final analysis, it is between you and God; it was never between you and them anyway." - Mother Theresa

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Standing A Little Taller

As hard as things are right now in my life, I hold all the cards. I see Tamara color in her notebook and think to myself, "She is so much stronger then me." Right now I'm shutting things down. I'm taking things in bit by bit and simply getting over it. Thinking about the past really only recharges my battery with why I'm doing what I'm doing. I'm gonna smile. I'm gonna laugh. And instead of hating the hurting feeling I feel right now, I'm gonna enjoy it. Why? Because it's only gonna bring me and my kids true happiness.
Because of me, my family hurts. And maybe that was part of the reason with why I held on so long. I didn't want my family to have to hurt anymore then what I've already put them through in the past. It hurts me more to think about what my family now has to go through, versus my little family not being whole anymore. Oh please! We were never whole to begin with. Even though I tell myself that it's all his fault, it's just as much mine as it is his.
As I continue to move forward, I see the road begin to increase. I look up into the sky, shaking my head from left to right. I say aloud, "The broken road isn't enough? Do you really have to make it that much harder for me?" I keep pushing on the gas only to feel the car rumble back at me as if it were screaming, "Give it a rest already!" The car comes to a halt. I start to break down in tears. Listening to my kids crying in the back. I look up and ask myself, "What the hell am I doing?" I put the car in neutral, get out and start to push. Pushing the car against the increased road, rocking it back and forth to try and give the car as much momentum before I give it my all to get it over this hill. Sweat dripping down my face, pushing as hard as I can, the load of the car begins to feel lighter. Could I really be this strong? I look up only to see 8 familiar faces pushing along side me. I begin to tear up again with a heart full of gratitude.
Can I just say that I have the greatest family in the world. I'm sure there are others out there that feel the same way about their families, but seriously, I really do have the greatest family in the world!

Friday, September 23, 2011

A Bumpy Ride

A broken family. A broken dream. I can't help but dwell on it all. I look back and think that it was too much. Why couldn't he just understand? Why couldn't he change? And above all, why did it have to be him? I wasted so much time on trying to keep things together.
I knew I would go down this road eventually. I've just created so many detours it's made going down this road that much harder. I feel the car wanting to give in each time I drive over a bump or through a deep hole. Jerking left and right trying to get around as much of the hard parts as possible. I want to drive off the road until I see that it's smooth. Doing that, I would only be creating another detour. I have to go through it.

I will no longer be a prisoner.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Moving Forward

Sitting here listening to Take A Bow by Rihanna. This song really does describe what's going on in my life right now. And all I really want to do is smile. It's a cleansing feeling. And as much as it hurts, all I have to do is take one look at her and say to myself, "She deserves better." It helps that this time around, she doesn't ask for him. She hasn't said "dada" since he left. She's not stupid. She knows he was doing something wrong.
As I press on the gas, tears fall from my eyes and I continue to move forward. I glance at my rear view mirror and see him walking in the opposite direction. I take one deep breath in, look at the kids and say aloud to myself, "This is for the best."
Every single minute of my day and every moment I look at Tamara, I hurt. When will I get through this? I want the pain to go away. How long will it take?

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Carpe Diem

The best part of it all is that now, I can do things my way and my way only. It's time I go for my dreams. How am I gonna teach Tamara to go after her dreams if I don't do it myself. Lead by example. I see a lot of hard headaches right now, but happiness isn't too far away either. I know I'm a burden to my family with all of this, but we've been through much worse times. I've been lost for so long that finally making this decision to kick him out of my life has now brought light to my life. 
I woke up this morning thinking to myself, what have I done? And after pondering about it all, the real question is, what am I gonna do now? My answer to that is, go back to school. Being a single Mom to two kids, what else could I do better then to go back and get it done. I'll be fine and so will they. The real fight of my life is now, moving on and improving. I'm gonna be strong and win this fight. Losing is not an option. Losing is failing my kids and I will not have that. I won't turn back now.
I see myself driving down a straight and narrow road. A broken road. A road with many pot holes, broken cement, and tar that has failed to piece the road together. My car is running on empty, tires threads are bare and look as though they are about to flatten. I hear my kids in back yelling and screaming. The feeling of the steering wheel beneath my sweating hands is telling me that I'm not gonna make it. And even though I'm thinking in my head, I can't make it down this road, I roll the windows down and I'm still in drive.
It's exciting. To think that without him in my life, I feel free. I feel like I can do anything. Instead of stressing and worrying about little stupid things that weren't even worth time in the first place. I can now set the path that only a mother can imagine for her kids to follow. My dream is to leave this world with a legacy my kids can follow so clear and built so strong that their kids and their grand kids will have no problem following either. 

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Things More Clear

He's finally made his decision. He loves his single life more then his Wife and Kids. As much as I've suffered trying to keep our family together, I know his struggle will come back on him each time he sees little kids. He's gonna hurt. And even though he has no where to go, he's driven me so far that I honestly don't care. He should've made his decision earlier. He was here physically, but his heart was somewhere else. I feel bad for people like that and the families that are affected by situations like this.
I won't let down, give up, or give in. It's time to figure it out without him and move on. Living the life of a single mom was never something I planned for growing up, but that's what I'm facing now. Changes in my life are about to take place and it's only for the better of my life and the life of my kids. So many choices to make and I'm happy I can make them alone without him.
When things go this bad in life, I think of the blessings that I get in return. My family. We are not perfect but we get through it. Just like any other family out there. Mine knows the true meaning of patience, respect and love. Qualities I most definitely want my kids to be raised around.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Just Like Flowers

It's like flowers. You try your hardest to keep them alive but in the end, they die. It's a little similar to life. The peddles are the beauty, the thorns are your trials, the stem is what makes you grow and that middle part of the flower in the center of all the peddles are all the meaningful things in life, like your family, friends, accomplishments, goals which keeps everything together.
Then there are the bees. They are those that come in to your life and pretty much ruin you. As they eat up all your nectar, the peddles slowly start to fall and the beauty of your life starts to fade.
I have many bees in my life. I really just want to catch them in a glass bottle and them suffocate until they die. But at the same time, without the bees in life we wouldn't be able to see the hard parts of life that, in the end, really do help us out. So, really, bees hurt, but bees help.
If only life were like a fairytale book. Where everything is great, you have one foe that you end up defeating anyway and you know that you will have a happily ever after. What a joke right?

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Not Enough

It's about time I set the expectations higher than usual. I might not be stable, but I do know that the only way I can be is if I expect more of you. They deserve the best, and the best they will get. I have held off and waited for too long that I'm running restless. Happiness takes hard work. We can't expect it to come knocking at our doors. I'm willing and able. They are my drive and motivation.
Sometimes I wish I could just fast forward my life to when I have no questions and I know things are secured. But then again, I won't grow as a person if I don't go through what is in store for me.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Last Chance For Romance

I honestly don't know how many times I've said the title in my life. I do know that it's been too many times. But with how far I've taken things to get us to the point we are now, it deserves one last chance. I've driven him so far away, it's like I can't do anything at all.
It's almost as if I were to draw a picture of a house with no windows and doors. All the memories and moments you don't want to forget are all locked in. And as much as I try and knock down those walls to get back in, I can't. I either fail, quit, or simply just too weak.
Now, I will give it my all, and try without fail to find out if there is still something worth fighting for. And the funny thing about all of this, is that I have no clue if there is even any fight on the other end.
I wish I could just sit down with God and ask him bluntly, what do I do? I could use an answer to that question. I've heard the opinions of those in my life that are honestly only looking out for me, but when a mother thinking of her kids, knowing exactly what she wants for her kids is the opposite of those opinions I dare ask again, what do I do?
He's your daughters best friend. Your daughter means everything to you. And even if it meant to suffer with him for your daughters happiness, you would gladly do so. How long can I take it? How far does it have to go before things come crashing down further than you anticipate?
With how deep I've dug myself, all I can and will do is take it day by day.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Those Big Blue Eyes Get Me Every Time!

I swear Tamara can get away with anything with those big blue eyes. As hard as I try to discipline her, most times she gets her way. Just one look at her tear filled eyes makes me cave in. It's time to re-evaluate how to dominate these situations. Her vocal chords are equal to fire alarms and sirens. Her cry sounds like an overfilled day care center and the headache I get in return is equal to five women in full term labor. The cherry on top of all this loveliness, is being almost 7 months pregnant. I think it's safe to say that I could use a break. But then again, life doesn't give out breaks. One thing is for sure, I will make the best of every situation and grasp on to the present while I'm still sane. I can only see myself 20 years from now, wishing I could turn back and relive this time of my life. So, I guess what I'm saying altogether is that even though life has its "tough" times, they are times that we still need to enjoy.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

When Will I Know?

I am at the point in my life where I have a million questions that pretty much can only be answered with time. My patience is really being tested and I feel like I can't wait for time to tell me the answers. Have you ever felt like the people you need to confide in are the ones that make it feel like you can't? Oh, how life really does come at you fast. My "try" is at a whole new level. It's a try that feels so impossible but I know that if I go for it, it will be worth it in the end. Whether things go my way or not, at least I WILL KNOW.