No Justice Served

I know what youre thinking. Who's the white girl.

Well. Last Friday in my writing class our homework was to write a 2 page report on a current event, journalism style (my fave). So as I switched back and forth between ksl and fox 13 I ended up just simply closing my eyes and circling my mouse on the different articles and news reports and figured that's how I was going to pick my current event.

Welp. Her name is Autumn Pasquale and she was murdered this past weekend. As I sat here doing more and more research on her case and watching different news reports, I find myself feeling more mad about her murder and more sorrow for the family. Almost as if I knew her myself. This girl lived on the other side of the country in New Jersey.

Her story has swept the nation. She died from two brothers age 15 and 17. Like REALLY? What the heck goes through a killers mind while in the act of their selfless crimes. I absolutely hate people like this. No motive. NO NOTHING! To take an innocent young girls life for no damn reason is soooo ugh! I can't even think of a word that describes my anger.

The two suspects names aren't being released because they're being charged as juveniles but tomorrow they may be tried as adults. I would hope that for swift justice for our Autumn Pasquale they do.

It bothers me. It does. I don't even know this girl and I feel like I need to go kill those two dudes to get her the justice she deserves. I don't know. I know that there are far more cases just like this one and yet here I am going all biotch on this one because my mouse happened to stop on her news report.

What if I had picked something different that really would have pissed me off. Why can't we just have some justice in this world. Hell. Why can't everyone just BE NICE! Gosh.

Like A Boss Man

Ahhh! My dearest Henele.

He definitely is something. Something I can't put my finger on. I bet all moms are like that with their boys. If I could describe to you what his personality is like, would you be surprised that I would answer "Like a boss man".. He totally gets it from his sister.

I got me some BOSS KIDS! lol

Anyway. This point for my little boss man I'd say he's on track. He is healthy, strong and all mine. haha I do have to say that he punches like a punk. He's hit the "understanding" stage. You know.. the one when you do something that he doesn't like he starts up a fuss.

If I take away his bottle or his toy he will hit you and start yelling at you in baby talk. But if you take away his FOOD, oh good to the dang luck. If you do that, all I have to say is that you asked for it.

I was on pinterest the other day and I ran into a pin that linked to a blog. I read this ladys blog and I'll admit, it brought me to my knees in extreme tears. I knelt down to my kids and just cried I Love You! If you wanna check it out, here it is.

If not, I'll keep it simple as a mom losing her child. And a young child it was. All I could do was imagine what it would be like, could be like. I would only hope and pray that good health is always gonna be in our favor. I could not imagine me ever lifting a smile if I lost my Henele. I couldn't.

So to Ronan (the kid in the blog). My heart goes out to you and your family.

Henele will be 1 in just a little over a month. I hope this next year goes by much slower then this year. I am truly blessed he has his older sister to look up to. They always stick together and I love catching her take care of him without me asking her to.

I am one lucky lady to have been blessed with these two.

I LOVE YOU SON!

I hope you guys continue to count your blessings as most times they are hidden and can only be felt within. And I hope your fall season is going as well as ours.

From Baby Girl To Little Girl

It's official. Tamara is now turning that point from a baby to a little girl! I honestly wish it will just slow down! Soon enough she will be hitting the turning point from a little girl to a young girl, then to a young teen, mid teen, TEENAGER! (oh please no!) and so on!

Thinkiug about it all makes me wonder, what is life really about? What can we do to make our existence here on earth more meaningful?

Right now. Life is about happiness. Life is about finding a struggle, taking it on and overcoming it. Like how I said "finding".. yes. I totally found my struggle in life and am in the process of overcoming it.

I love the life that I chose. It took me some time to grasp what I chose and in the beginning I hated it. But as time passed by, I began to see the brighter side of things. I see that things in my life are the way they are because I CHOSE them.

I chose to get pregnant. I chose to get married. I chose to get divorced. I chose to be a single mom.

And I am fine with that!

I believe that the order of things you choose in life doesnt matter at all. It doesnt! What matters is the present. Your state of mind and how you choose to continue forward and more importantly PROGRESS!

Ok. Here I go again blabbering on like I'm Mother Theresa or something. She actually is someone I personally look up to! My life mantra is a quote by her. If you havent read it yet, its on the home page of my blog right there at the top. It's a good one! I promise!

Now coming back to the topic of Tamara transitioning into a little girl. I have to say. So far, I'm proud. I'm proud of everything I've done so far as a mom.

With all her attitude and little miss diva ways. THATS MY TAMARA. And I wouldn't have her any other way. She may give me or my family the hardest time in the world. But I don't care. That's how she is and I love it!

Next up. Henry Benry. =) Stay tuned!

I LOVE YOU!

Perspective

So this past Sunday the Tausinga Kids and Malaeulu Kids had their Primary Program. My mom and Dad stayed at church to watch and support them. After an amazing performance, my mom invited all of them over for Dinner.

Dinner was great and while we all ate we asked the kids to show case their performance for the rest of us that werent able to attend at church.

They did an amazing job ESPECIALLY OUR LITTLE KOKOMOTION!

This film (slideshow) is brought to you all in honor of our Tangiloto I' Moana Malaeulu aka KokoMotion!

Koko: "Does it really take this long to take a picture? I'm tired. So I'll just have a seat."

"Still waiting people? Can we get the show on the road already? You know what? My shoes are feeling a little tight. I think I'll take it off."

"That feels much better. Ill give them something to watch. Ill just keep scooting this way and teta and christina wont even realize that theyre getting kicked off."

"Haha. I bet no one sees me with only one shoe on. Booya! I'll go ahead and take off this other one. No one will notice."

"I dont see how they wear shoes? It feels so much better without them. Who even invented the dumb shoe anyways? Lets go ahead and move on to these socks while they watch these fools sing like they're the jets or something." 

"Uh oh! Grandmas looking at me. Maybe if I turn and face this tree she wont see me. Come on dumb sock. Get off!"

"Okay. Grandmas not looking anymore. Thank you Tamara for fist pumping at the crowd. Now they will never see me take it off." 

"Crap! They're watching! Quick, turn back to the tree!"

"Hurry! Hurry! While they try and hit high notes."

"Ahhh! Feeling better already."

"Man, these guys need my help. I better get up and help them out."

"Alright guys. I guess I can help. Now that my feet feel much better."

"Wait wait! I still have this other sock on. Give me a second guys. Keep them distracted!"

"Uh oh. Is that mom looking this way? Now either I hurry and take it off or sit here and stare blank."

"Maybe if I pull it off from this side, it'll come off faster?"

"This dumb sock wants a fight? Ill give it a fight!"

Aki: "Koko!"
Koko: "Uh oh! Im busted. I guess Ill just sit here and wait for tamaras fist pump to take their attention away."

"Henele, stop moving around. Sit still while I take off my sock! and you dont have to watch."

"UUUUhhhhhhhhhh!"

"AArrrrggg! I give up! I'll just get up and sing."

"Okay guys! I'm ready!" 

Perspective. I bet if you were sitting in the crowd watching their little performance, you would have enjoyed the singing and caught a glimpse of what Koko was doing. I think that us adults and especially parents tend to see the bigger picture but sometimes need to see the small details of it. In this case, while koko is busy taking his socks and shoes off (still well in our picture) we watch the performance.

Understanding the gospel for me has always been a "bigger picture" type thing. But now, with Tamara starting to understand things and really just turning that point from a baby to a girl, I still have the challenge of "seeing in detail" the gospel for myself. Actually understanding the stories of the bible, the book of mormon, the doctrine and covenants.

How am I to raise this gospel around the kids wanting them to grow their own testimonies and really just understand it, if I havent done that on my own?

It's time. It's time I really sit down and study the gospel that I can have my own testimony and more so that I can relay the messages and teachings down to them.

True Teammates

So I'm watching Koko and Juicy along with my two right now. And I can't help but laugh. It's so bad though. Cause when it comes to those times when you really need to put your foot down and teach them what's "right".. I can't help it. They just crack me up. And what makes matters worse is that when I or someone else laughs at the things we need to "correct" they think its a good thing cause when we laugh, its good making them think, doing whatever bad thing theyre doing a "good" thing.

Oh geeze.

So Tamara and Koko are running like maniacs over here while Juicy and Henele take a nap. Tamara has a scream of a scared teenage girl. And I keep telling her to stop cause she's gonna wake up the kids. But in the mind of a 2 year old that's playing with her all time favorite friend Koko, is she really gonna stop? Probley not.

So finally after about the 5th loudest scream I hear from her, I tell her, come sit down (by the wall far away from the toys and tv) in time out. As she says her "sorrys" and "its my fault" cause by this time she woke up Henele and is already up and crying, I watch Koko.

Koko watches me put Tamara in time out and when Tamara sits down (all depressed like someone killed someones cat) I wonder what Koko is gonna do...

Was he gonna go back to the tv and toys and play or was he gonna sit with Tamara in time out.

Yup! He sat in time out!

They are true teammates. It never fails when one is trouble, so the other shares the punishment.

I love my monster crew!

It's Getting A Bit Nippy Out Here!

Everything is piling down on me. Everything! The kids. School. Home. Church. Callings. Watching General Conference this past weekend really made me take a step back and view things at a different angle.

Lately I've felt as though my head was going to explode. Until this past weekend. I now find myself whipping it back into shape. Everything. Time management is what I'm all about now. Literally writing out and planning things a week in advance and following it so that things get done without complaint.

It's all good guys! I got this. lol (for now)

Me and my gorgeous Best Friends!! They are far more then just sisters. They are who I confide in with just about everything. I'm sure I annoy them but they take it in cause being the big sisters that they are is what they do best!

And again us hanging out and supporting Willy's Football Games. This was homecoming so we all wore our sweaters. Kuuipo Class of 1999 SBO President - Aki Class of 2000 SBO President - Les Class of 2002 Senior Class President and Me Class of 2008 Senior Class President. We will forever be Lady Lancer! We have that Granger Blood flowing through our vanes and are quite proud! =)

My main man is still being the little monkey swinging in his tree. I'm almost sure that if he could swing in that swing all day long, he totally would. His little outfit is so appropriate for this caption huh?

Here we are at the Dollar Tree hanging out with "Antah Nee".. Ya. Can you tell we are very comfortable in the store? haha You so would not see us like this at Ikea.

We go to the store far more then what our budget allows. But we do enjoy going to see the different people and especially items that keep flashing their ugly prices at us. Well anyway, fall is here, it's time for me to pull out the thermals and sweat suits. The season I love!! Hopefully good health will be in our favor this season. =) Happy Fall everyone! I hope you all enjoy the chill weather and find your bliss these upcoming holidays!

Because Of You

You know how they say, Don't let the new guy pay for the old guys mistakes. Ya. I totally do that. I can't help it. I think that I can't allow myself to put myself out there and just simply not know. Things in that area of my life are clear to me. I'm not ready. I need time to evaluate myself and the kids and if by chance Heavenly Father opens up to me another chapter for it, then so be it. But I just don't see me opening up a new chapter. I believe that no man could love another mans kids at the same level as their actual father. I think if I allow a new chapter to open up to me, my kids for the rest of their lives will live in the shadows. 

I love them with all my heart. Ever single beat of my heart patterns Tamara and Henele over and over again and will continue. I feel that I'm not giving them my best by bringing in a new guy into their lives. It hurts me. I try and put myself in their shoes if they grew up with a "step" dad. I don't know. 

This part of my life is painful. I don't mind being lonely for the rest of life. If it's me riding solo till the end, then I'm cool with it. There are just other goals in life that I hold true to my heart and have the strongest desire to achieve. But those goals require a male figure. And no, not having more kids is not that goal. It's sacred. So I won't go into detail with it. I'll hold it in my heart and continue to fast and pray things out and hope things will go the way I hope. 

Tamara and Henele - You two have no clue how hard my heart pounds for the both of you. If their was anything I could do to give you guys what I had planned on when I was a young girl dreaming of how I was going to raise you guys, I'd do it. I know the life I've given to you guys is one that is hard and whenever it does get hard I want you to tell me how I can ease it for you, carry it for you. I deserve nothing. My wants in this life is to see you two smile and laugh often. I'm sorry. I will do everything in my power to give you two the life that you guys deserve. I love you!

p.s, if you guys refer to this note 10+ years from now as a "get out of jail free" card or a way out of something you did wrong, guess again. lol One thing you guys will know about your mom growing up.. I will always have my ducks lined up. 

He's Becoming A Regular (No No!)

You know what's funny, Leroy. Or "whos funny" He tells me he breaks up with his little girlfriend. Maybe he thought I would care? Silly guy. We're divorced. Life is great. But that's not what I think is funny. What is... now that he's done with her, he comes and visits the kids almost EVERY DAY! It's starting to bug me. But I don't want to NOT let him see them. I wonder what it will be like when they are much older. How will they take in the fact that he cheated. He wanted to live the party life. He dated a girl while still married to me. What will they think of him?

Sad that someone could stand between a family and be ok with it. It's over and done now thanks to both of them. I fought so hard after I kicked him out. Stupid? I don't know. I just know that at the time I wanted him to see what life was like without us and clearly he didn't care. But I still fought, as stupid as I was. But now, after all is said and done he is beginning to see what gave up on.

It hurt so bad when I saw pictures of him with her. I would've settled with him having drug issues then being with another girl. I thought for the longest time how could he have done that to me, but more to Tamara and Henele (who wasn't born at the time).

I cried.

How could I have been so stupid? What came over me?

All these questions came up around that time and I knew the answer all along. He didn't care. He was selfish. Why am I blogging about this? I don't know. He comes over and walks around the houses like he still lives here. I absolutely hate it! I hate seeing him. I hate seeing him be all nice to the kids. Cause I have to be the bad guy while he gets the "I want daddy" card.

It's not fair. Hopefully he picks up another low down girl to distract him so he forgets about the kids. It'll happen. He only comes around cause he's on the verge of going to jail. He has warrants out for his arrest and I'm just counting down till he gets himself locked up. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, I'm tired of seeing him around here.

This point in my life I have to say is HARD. I don't know if it will get any harder then this but this by far, more then birth, then the broken family, then having to tell my mom "I'm pregnant." (seriously).

Up until 2 in the morning almost every night doing homework and up by 7 with the kids. Breakfast and getting them ready alone is a chunk of time and energy that I don't have. Hene teething with an ear infection. Tamara turning the fully potty trained corner but still adding up laundry like getting it done is super easy. Not having any time for myself is the sacrifice I have to make. My time to myself would consist of the drive to and from school and the walk to class and back to the car. I walk super slow listening to music just to kinda "get out". And above all, I'm going blind. I'm beginning to squint and it bugs the hell outta me. I need to call my doc asap to get me some updated contacts. These temps are just not cuttin it anymore.

Well I guess next time I'll blog on a more positive note then today.

If my head doesn't explode.