"People are often unreasonable, irrational and self centered; forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; be kind anyway. If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies; succeed anyway. If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you; be honest and sincere. What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight; create anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous; be happy anyway. The good you do today, will often be forgotten; do good anyway. Give the best you have and it may never be enough; give your best anyway. In the final analysis, it is between you and God; it was never between you and them anyway." - Mother Theresa

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Because Of You

You know how they say, Don't let the new guy pay for the old guys mistakes. Ya. I totally do that. I can't help it. I think that I can't allow myself to put myself out there and just simply not know. Things in that area of my life are clear to me. I'm not ready. I need time to evaluate myself and the kids and if by chance Heavenly Father opens up to me another chapter for it, then so be it. But I just don't see me opening up a new chapter. I believe that no man could love another mans kids at the same level as their actual father. I think if I allow a new chapter to open up to me, my kids for the rest of their lives will live in the shadows. 

I love them with all my heart. Ever single beat of my heart patterns Tamara and Henele over and over again and will continue. I feel that I'm not giving them my best by bringing in a new guy into their lives. It hurts me. I try and put myself in their shoes if they grew up with a "step" dad. I don't know. 

This part of my life is painful. I don't mind being lonely for the rest of life. If it's me riding solo till the end, then I'm cool with it. There are just other goals in life that I hold true to my heart and have the strongest desire to achieve. But those goals require a male figure. And no, not having more kids is not that goal. It's sacred. So I won't go into detail with it. I'll hold it in my heart and continue to fast and pray things out and hope things will go the way I hope. 



Tamara and Henele - You two have no clue how hard my heart pounds for the both of you. If their was anything I could do to give you guys what I had planned on when I was a young girl dreaming of how I was going to raise you guys, I'd do it. I know the life I've given to you guys is one that is hard and whenever it does get hard I want you to tell me how I can ease it for you, carry it for you. I deserve nothing. My wants in this life is to see you two smile and laugh often. I'm sorry. I will do everything in my power to give you two the life that you guys deserve. I love you!
p.s, if you guys refer to this note 10+ years from now as a "get out of jail free" card or a way out of something you did wrong, guess again. lol One thing you guys will know about your mom growing up.. I will always have my ducks lined up. 
Posted by at

No comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)