"People are often unreasonable, irrational and self centered; forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; be kind anyway. If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies; succeed anyway. If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you; be honest and sincere. What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight; create anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous; be happy anyway. The good you do today, will often be forgotten; do good anyway. Give the best you have and it may never be enough; give your best anyway. In the final analysis, it is between you and God; it was never between you and them anyway." - Mother Theresa

Friday, November 30, 2012

My ONE Man!!!

Ok. So this time, I'm already crying before Ive even started this entry.

Let me rewind exactly 12 months ago, this day, Nov. 30, 2011. The peak of where things fell apart and came back together with the birth of my son!

November 30, 2011. I had an appointment with Dr. Burgett for my 9 month check up. Really, I was at the point of this pregnancy where I would have to see Dr. every week. So off to Riverton I went. Dr. Burgett was being his same old self with his really bad jokes. Yet I still sat there and laughed to be polite. And just to save some time and a long drive I really didn't wanna do, I hurried him up and asked if he can hurry up and check my cervix to see if I've dilated any. So he checks and says some like, "Well, I think I pushed you to 4 centimeters, wanna head to the hospital now?" I was like, Oh hell no! Im going home!
Leroy had been there at this appointment. After as we walked out of the office is when I really asked Leroy to not give up on our family. I pleaded with him that if this is really the life he wanted to choose over our family, I would never let him back in my life again. He went on about how he didn't like the way we argued so much and that it was too much for him.

That's when I knew, my family had fallen apart. I told him, one last time, later on, you won't be with this girl. You won't like the life that you've chosen and when you attempt to then fix our family, it's going to be too late. He laughed.

It was that time as I left the office where I sat and thought in my mind, "This is it. He's on his way." I cried as I drove home. I cried for my Son that he would forgive me for the life hes about to enter into and the situation our family is in. I cried because my family was broke and there was absolutely nothing I could do. I cried because I knew better. I cried for Tamara. I cried.
Bangeter Highway seemed to favor me as I made it home safely without having to rush myself to the hospital. I knew what was going to happen soon and all I could think was, "Where is Tamara?"

Kuuipo and Nai had been super nice with helping me with Tamara since I was working as a Cashier at Sunflower Farmers Market with a full on pop belly.

Handling Tamara seemed to be easy this time of my life, even with a huge ol' belly in front of me. I think because it was the last time it was going to be "just Tamara".. It had been that way for the past two years and it was all about to change.

So while Tamara is out with Kuuipo, I'm home sitting on pinterest waiting for Mom to get off work and anyone else really. I sat at home alone thinking, "I hope I don't have to take myself to the hospital." I thought about telling Leroy but figured he was too busy with his new life. Doing that would only make me super mad and I wasn't about to have my son with a bad attitude.

Slowly family members get off work and are home. Everything is fine. I didn't wanna tell my Mom just yet cause she would be the one to say, "Lets go to the hospital." And if I did go, they wouldn't let me go home and I'd be there for hours and hours.

Tamara finally comes home and were watching Finding Nemo. I constantly am telling her, "Tamara, I love you." Over and over again.  I knew she was getting annoyed but I didn't care cause I knew things were gonna be different after that night. As she fell asleep, I finished the movie holding her close to my belly and kissing her like a crazy mom.

I fell asleep.
Then... it happened. SPLOOSH! My water broke. I got up to see what time it was, 12 something. We'll just say midnight. I get up and go jump in the shower. I remember looking down at my belly and thinking, welp now I'll be able to see my feet. I can tell just by my water breaking, my stomach was getting smaller. I put the most comfortable clothes I had on and I sat on the bed and watched Tamara sleep. I remember sitting there and whispering to her, "Tamara, I'm really gonna need your help these next couple days. Things will be different and I can't do it without you. I love you with all my heart." (might not be the exact words in that order, but something along those lines)

I lay next to her and give her a big hug. She was super annoyed by this time. I decide to go back to bed. I figured, if this delivery is anything like Tamara's, then I still have time. I wake up soon after at about 2 am. That's when I was really feeling it. I call Kuuipo and ask her to come and take me to the hospital. I then head to the front house and wake up Mom. I tell her it's time. She gets ready and we wait for Kuips to come.

I run and give Tamara one more kiss and head out to the Murray IHC. It was about 2:30 am by this point. I started singing my christmas songs that super annoyed Kuips. But I didn't care cause contractions compared to an annoying feeling was far greater.

We get there, I fight with the front desk girls cause they dont believe me when I say, "my water broke".. so I raise my voice and say, "did you want me to jump on this counter and show you that my water broke?".. yup, they pissed me off.

at 4:06 am on December 1, 2011 Henele O' Vikster Unasa was born! Everything came together for me. My life was complete. Sitting in the hospital with my newborn son, I settled  with the fact that I was a single mom. It was at the hospital when I decided, it will be a rough road, but that's not gonna stop us from seeing clear skies.

Life is magical if you let it be. If we but have the smallest sincerity with us to see the brighter side of things, we all can have hearts full of gratitude. I've learned from my son, the true meaning of gratitude.

This boy is so special to me. He knows his mom. He doesn't know his dad. He smiles like his mom, has anger like his dad, Super gorgeous like his mom (lol) stamina like his dad. And thinking of it all. I would say, "I did good." He's such a stud. I'm lucky to have him in my life. When I hold him or play with him, I think to myself, "I wouldn't be as strong as I am today without you!"

Henele is my main man! I can't give him his dad, but I can give him all the love of my heart and knowing his dad wouldn't mean a thing.

Thank you Henele for keeping my head up and always putting a smile on me and Tamara's face! I absolutely love you to no end! Yes! My love for you is infinite! I hope this past year wasn't the worst for you but do know that I'm doing my best to give you all that you truly deserve in this life. I might not have a new toy for you, a new swing or even a cake. But remember that as long as we are together, we will always have enough.

Thanks Buddy for being you! Happy First Birthday! Mommy Loves You So So Much!! MUAH!




THANK YOU HENELE FOR MAKING ME THE HAPPIEST MOM ALIVE!! HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY BUDDY! 

This next year will for sure be a great one with you Henele! I can't wait to see how much you progess this next years.

Friday, November 16, 2012

I'll be ok, just not today


Ever feel useless? Every feel like you're just not good enough no matter how hard you try?

Everything lately seems to be crumbling down on me. I feel like I'm just going through the motions but not doing anything whole-heartedly. I can't help but be even harder on myself then I am regularly and that doesn't help the issue. When I hear other peoples issues and hard times they are going through, I feel it. I know what it's like to hurt and to be stressed out so when others talk about it, it just recalls all those familiar feelings back to me and it just weighs me down.

My life. My rollercoaster. My ups and downs in my life are very distinct. I tend to be super happy and everything seems to come together but then things just don't feel that way anymore. It's like Advil. A temporary fix. I don't know if there is a way I can just drug up on "advil" so I'm not stuck in the dumps. It's that time of year that we renew ourselves. We prepare ourselves to be better people. Plan on bigger and better things. Love. Hope. Share. Laugh. Play.

I want this holiday season to be one to remember. One that, ten years from now, I can recall because this or that happened. I want them to be happy.

As I continue to feed off of their innocence, happiness and joy, I hope that you all can find meaning in your lives and make for a better you. I know I will.

Where had the time gone? I couldn't remember a time before when time seemed to speed up this fast. The road was so smooth. Like it was newly paved. Everything was right and just as it should be. Why wasn't I enjoying it? Were my feelings preparing me for something unexpected?  I know I think too much, but just this one time, I'm gonna look ahead with all the integrity within my body and continue. I'm going to let all the negative feelings settle while I physically watch things come and go. I can't stop now. Time continues and so shall I.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Tamara Turns Three


It all happened today, 3 years ago.

I would be sitting at the Murray IHC in room 4 on the 3rd floor of the womens center. Nurses couldn't believe I just had a baby natural. I had lost a lot of blood with her so I had been dead tired but didn't care that my body wanted to give in so bad cause I just had a baby.

I could remember that morning clearly. It was me, my mom and my sisters kuuipo and aki. Leroy was there but couldnt handle me beating him up with all the contractions I was feeling. He was a little whoose anyway. I remember pushing and the nurses fighting with me to stop. It's true when they say, YOU KNOW when it is time for them to come. Nurses and doctors to go off of how much you've dilated and how close your contractions are, but only the prego will be the one to really know when ITS TIME.

After the nurses kept on fighting with me to stop pushing, I gave in. But as I stopped pushing, I knew she was coming. I turned to kuuipo and said I think I need to use the bathroom. I walk over to the bathroom and felt down there and sure enough, it was her head.

Kuuipo watches me and I look at her and say, "uh oh." She gives me a weird like and I say, "Thats her head." So, I walk over to the bad and start pushing her out. The nurse turns and sees me crowning and runs out to get the doctor, Her head comes out and the doctors and nurses run in and tell me to wait... was I gonna wait? hell no. The nurses are trying to get her delivery bed ready while I start delivering my own baby. lol the doctor tells the nurses to run over and hold my legs up. yet kuuipo and aki were already doing that. haha  A couple pushes later, Tamara Leethee Unasa was born. (really debating on changing their last name).



When I heard that first cry she let out, I laid there and couldnt believe what I had just done. I couldn't believe I just gave birth. The put Tamara in my arms wrapped in a towel and I started crying. It was that moment they put her in my arms when I truly felt the meaning of true love.

to this day, I never knew how much you could love someone with a hard passion.

I would hold her in my arms and wait till she would wake up. I loved her dimples. And when I saw her eyes for the first time. They were a pearl color. A very dark pearl. And I remember looking at her and thinking to myself, "Shes gonna have blue eyes." I never told anyone, I kept it to myself. A week later, they lightened up a whole lot. They were a very much blue color. And that's when my family couldn't stop talking about it or looking at it. Almost as if she was a freak. Nai was the most surprised that her eyes were blue the way that they were. Leroy had gone on about how it comes from his side of the family. I laughed and really didn't care. What mattered most was that she was healthy and had all her ten toes and ten fingers and everything else that a normal person should have.
Then after that, everyone that saw her, Dr. Vierra and Nurse Christina would tell me that it's normal for her eyes to come out blue when they are born, They told me that her eyes would turn to it's true color after a couple weeks. Her eyes were just adjusting to life or whatever. But in my mind, I knew that her were gonna stay the same. Everyone kept on about how they will change to brown. I think it's just one of those things you know. as a mom, you just know. Three years later her eye color stayed.

I think I've only actually looked at her eyes and observed the color maybe twice in her whole life. lol I don't care that her eyes are blue, gray, green. It doesnt matter to me at all. As long as they are functioning fine for her, I'm great. But her eye color is definitely the one feature that everyone knows her by. But boy are they missing all the details of what's behind those eyes of hers. The real Tamara! =)

Leethee. Here middle name. It means, Always to Remember, Never to forget. It's after a lady named Lethe on a church film called, The Mailbox. A very good movie. If you havent seen it, I'd recommend it. But Lethe was a very inspirational women. Initially, it was supposed to be Tamara Lee Unasa. After Les. I didn't want it Losili or Leslie. I wanted it Lee. But before I had filled our her name form, Lee had called me and asked to change it to Leethee after her and Lethe to give it a special meaning. I loved the idea and so then changed it. =)

Tamara has gone through so much with me in only the 3 years shes been on this earth. She's literally MY ROCK. I couldn't have made it this far without her. She's seen me down in the dumps. I've cried my eyes out to her (and still do sometimes). She's taken good care of me through the time of our family falling apart. She knows when I'm not ok and sure enough always asks me, "Mom, are you ok?" When I'm mad at her for doing something she knows she's not supposed to do, she says, "Mom, I'm sorry, I's my fault." When she does something mean to Henele that makes me cry she says, "Sorry Henele, I didn't mean to." When I bake her cupcakes or take her to McDonalds to get her her favorite chicken nuggets she says, "Mom! This is ALICIOUS!" When I'm doing my homework and totally stressed trying to get it done she says, "Mom, come, I need to talk to you." She'll take me to the room and hold my face between her two little hands and look me dead in the eye and say, "Mom, you're ok, I luff you!"


She's doing right now cause I'm crying as I blog. I love her so much!

Putting the little things she does to words and actually grasping them makes me realize that I am truly blessed with the best! We still have yet more adventures to endure and I know with my Tamara by my side she'll make the ride worth while.

I can't wait to see whats in store this next year with her. and I can guarantee, it will be great!

I LOVE YOU TAMARA LEETHEE!


HAPPY BIRTHDAY TAMARA!

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Secrets Revealed

I'm gonna write a book.

The type.. is a secret. All I know is that I have a passion for writing. Blogging is one thing. Its a place for me to vent, to write memories I'd like to look back on in the future. Its like "the spot" for me when I can't handle things and everything just seems too heavy for me to carry. Which by the way seems to be far more often then I'd like. Blogging keep me sane. It helps reflect on everything that goes on in my life and reminds me of why I do what I do.

For the longest time, including the decision of making the effort of coming back to school to get my degree, I've wrestled with myself with what I'm going to school for. Why am I taking the class I am? What am I gonna do to provide for them "successfully".. Its a whole load that I continue to carry on my back and if I could simply DECIDE, the load would so be easier for me.

I think I've decided on my major. But because I can't make up my mind. I just might double major. Now you can say, "She's crazy."

Buisness & Criminal Justice

I know. Two common majors but long hall majors is my issue. So I figured, if this is what I've decided, I won't change my mind and I will commit. I'll probley try and book my schedule as full as I can to get it done as quick as possible. I'm scared, and excited.

I know with the whole wanting to write a book bit at the beginning wouldve made you think I wanted to be a writer. Well that passion is something I wanna do on my own time. That's part of what makes it a passion. It becomes something you put on your plate that you want there. =)

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween!

For Halloween this year, I have my very own.....

SPIDER PUMPKIN!!


Halloween this year was so great! Thanks so much to the weather. Its for sure one that I will remember. When I was young, I remember trick or treating in light snow. and thats kinda how that weathers been for the past couple years. or super cold. but last night was so great for the kids! Im normally the one that walks out with the kids but this year i stayed home and was the passer outter and watched the x factor with my mom and kuuipo. 

Great Holiday overall!