Keeping My Head Above Water

So, the kids are sick. And we won't be heading out to church today. So, I've just been catching up on some of the things that I love to do, but never seem to find the time to do. Finally finished a book I started about 2 months ago, A Single Voice.

Now, when I picked up this book, I thought it was about someones aspirations to becoming a singer or something like that, but nope. It's about being single. Could I have read a better type book at a better time? lol Seeing as I'm now single. But, a single mom. Being a single mom has it's challenges, yes, many challenges!! And one of the challenges that tends to cross my mind from time to time, is if I will remain single for the rest of my life. I don't know. I've been asked this question recently and all I can answer is, I don't know. But what I do know, is that if there is a guy out there for me, and I know 100% in my heart that he's the one, I will be prepared and I will give it my absolute all.

Who knows? The book is written by Kristen M. Oaks. Yep! Dallin H, Oaks second wife. He was happily married to his first wife, but passed away. Kristen, was one hard working women. She supported herself and through a good chunk of her life. He Dad constantly worried about her and was always pushing her to go to Young Single Adult activities cause one think a Dad worries about is who will take care of their Princess when he's not around. I believe Kristen married our Apostle at the age of 56. I know right? I totally envy her though. For all those years, she never thought she would marry, let alone an apostle. I give it up to her for her endurance and especially her faithfullness to the Lord. She's a real example.

I would totally recommend this book to you all! A Single Voice by Kristem M. Oaks

Next book on the plan - A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving

John Irving is by far one of my most favorite authors. I hope when I write my book, I can relay settings and feelings as well as he does.


A lot of the books I read, I stumble upon. Not sure if someone gave me this one or if I bought it.

I found it on my book shelf in the closet. That's one thing that's make reading so much fun. You enter this whole different world not knowing where you'll end up, what you'll imagine or even the simple things you'll learn.

I know this one will be good.

You know whats funny? I keep reading all these interesting books but STILL have yet to finish the Book of Mormon and the Bible. Sad huh? I hate sitting in Sunday School and they discuss all these interesting stories from the book but I have no clue what they are about.

Sooooo.. I made it a 2013 New Years Goal to finish the Book of Mormon!! I'm not timing myself cause then I would be more focused on just reading it in time instead of actually grasping what I'm reading.

Loisi bought me a new set of scriptures for Christmas. And I found this cool Book of Mormon reading chart online to keep track of my progress.

On the back of my reading chart are 10 goals I want to accomplish in 2013. Kinda excited for the new year. Plus.. I haven't mentioned yet, I am now the Granger 8th Primary 2nd Counselor! It's a big deal to me. On the sundays I'm not teaching in Relief Society, you can for sure find me in the Nursery. And when I would sit in the Nursery, I would think about how Tamara will be in Sunbeam come January and I would ask myself, "How is the Primary program?"

I remember back when I was a little girl, I was always excited for Sunday and going to Primary. These days, it just doesn't seem like the kids are as excited. So I worry how Tamara will like Primary. Now that they've called me, I can see what it's like and hopefully be of help to making Primary a place for Tamara to want to be.

One of my first assignments, was to put together the bulletin board. I finished it yesterday and I'm proud of it. Yes, I bet the kids will tear it down or mess it up, whatever. But one thing I learned in my leadership training is that, the kids can tell whether their leaders care or not. So I gave the bulletin board my all and if the kids do tear it down or mess it up, I will just keep putting it back together.

Check it out..

Not too bad right? I hope the kids can see that we leaders care about them and their experience in Primary.

I'm excited but nervous going into this next year. I have a lot going on but I've learned something about myself. And that's that I love to be busy. I love the chaos. I love the overload. It's challenging and I love a good challenge.

So on the agenda (for now) for 2013..

1. MOM! (Family) - The kids are my priority. Their well being and they're future.
2. My Calling! - Magnifying my calling and raising my bar high.
3. School! - My future reflects the kids future.
4. Individual Worth! - A quality high lighted in Young Women. I will prepare to keep sacred covenants.
5. Service! - We all need help every once in awhile. So while I don't need it, I will give help to others.

Again everyone, HAPPY NEW YEARS! I hope you are just as excited for the new year as I am.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Years Everyone!!

Overlooking this entire year and I would have to say, this past year I made a lot of changes, adjustments here and there and above all, AM BETTER!! That's what life is about right? Progressing and aspiring to new heights and levels. I am proud of everything I have done this past year. I have no regrets, feel no guilt and don't look down upon any past even this year.

January - Henele shined this month. He was with me every bit of January. He is the reason I made a few hard decisions this month. I would say, that in the month of January, my family was constantly running through my mind. Was a gonna keep fighting or was I gonna throw in the towel? What were the pros and cons if I made either decision? What would be the finalizing factor of what I was to decide. Today, I stand happy with my decision.
February - The month my divorce finalized. It's sad to think about, but when I do think back on it, I let out a big sigh of relief. I became an official single mom and this month I would say is the time I learned how to have true humility. I've never looked at things the way I do now since all this happened. I'm happy.
March - New routines and traditions kick in for me and the kids. I begin to evaluate how the kids will live, the kind of life I want them to live and the kind of people I want them to become through my work and example. I am happy.
April - The decision to head back to school. What will I become? How will I manage? I don't know. But I do know, I will go back, do my best and get it done. I am happy.
May, June, July - Things are falling into place. I'm smiling, the kids are smiling. what more can a mom ask for? I'm happy.
August, September - School starts and things become overwhelming. But does that stop me from doing what I gotta do? Heck no! lol I'm focused and happy.
October, November - The year begins to come to a close and I have a heart full of gratitude for everything that I have, especially MY FAMILY! I'm happy.
December - 5 Days left till the year 2012 comes to an end. This year was really good for me. I feel like I can conquer anything after all I went through. I feel like I'm on top of the world. I haven't been this happy since I dont remember. I can't wait to see what this next year has in store for me and my little family.

I am where I need to be and no where else.

Blog Hungry

Soooo many things happening at once. I keep doing things and I'm always thinking, "I need to blog about that." But I never get around to it. So, now that the kids are fed, washed and cleaned up for bed, I have their favorite Christmas movie playing, blankets and pillows on the floor and their popcorn popping.

Yep, I called a mandatory - Family Movie Night!

That's one of the ups of being a single mom. Whatever I call, goes. No negotiation, no having to hear out "that other persons" opinion. It's all on me!! =) Go me! lol Well, for now at least. Until these two grow older and understand that they have options, I will enjoy it.

Christmas is just around the corner and it's time for me to slow down. It's time to embrace it all and take it all in. Ever remember being a kid and literally counting down the days till Christmas? Singing Christmas Carols while looking out the window late at night staring at the snow falling. (ok, super soft? lol) Anyway, as much as I wish I could view this time of year as I did as a kid, I can only hope that Tamara and Henele can be the same way or better.

Tamara is full on potty trained! Thank You! I would have to say, most of the credit goes to her. I'm sure I could have been a far better trainer and I could have even trained her much earlier, but because she is the "go getter" type, using the toilet was a breeze.

Tamara speaks. And I mean, SPEAKS! She understands full on what I tell her and she communicates back to me and I can understand her full on. I would credit that to Mickey Mouse Club House, Super WHY and many other kid shows. Ya, the tv needs to be lessened a lot.

Tamara Dances. When she watches shake it up on Disney, ummm, Tamara takes it to a whole new level. It's quite hilarious. (tried to upload a video - major fail)

So in this pic, we are at instacare waiting for Uncle Willy to get his stitches taken out. Oh ya, Willy got stitches!! Kinda sad, long story short, Willy was at wrestling practice and yep, cut his head open. The end. And while we were waiting in the lobby, Tamara decided to do funny poses while I snapped pictures of her.

She's been very good lately. She's still her little bossy self, but she at the point where she's starting to understand being good versus being bad. She knows not to scream in the public, or even at home for that matter. She know's how to share, if who she's sharing with is super lucky. She's starting to count, and last I tested, she was able to count to 12. Woohoo! She knows the colors, pink, orange, blue, white, black. She mixes red with green and hasn't memorized the other basic colors.

Tamara is definitely what gangsta's say, "ride or die." Anytime we are at the store, Tamara knows to say, "excuse us!" and really loud, when we try and get by.

omg, that reminds me...

So at church, Tamara goes to nursery all by herself. She doesn't have a problem staying there while I go to class with Henele. The Nursery teachers have told me that she is really good in Nursery, but I think they are just being polite, cause lets be serious, Tamara? ya. I still was a proud mom as one of the leaders went on about how she's so good in class.

Now, when the 5 min bell rings, I usually will leave early so that the Teachers don't have to take her and come find me. I had left class and noticed they had already left class. So off to the sacrament room I went. I walked in and saw all the nursery leaders, but no Tamara. Finally, I turn and see Tamara running toward me. She had gone to sit on our chair, which has always been row 3 from the front in the center section for as long as I could remember. But all by herself, she sat and waited and I guess when I walked in, she saw me and came running.

Later to find out...

One of the moms that sits near us was sitting and was watching Tamara sit in our chair all by herself. A family (not in our ward) sat on our chair. And what does Tamara do? She turns to them and say, "Hey! this is my chair, not yours!" They moved. OMG right? My 3 year old needs a slap!! lol The mom that saw her do that laughed and relayed the story to my mom and then to me.

She's pretty much a great big present worth all the christmas' forever all wrapped in one, and to add to all that goodness, we have HENELE O'VIKSTER!!

Every time I take a pic of him, the first comment I say in my mind as I preview it is, "This kid." lol

He is just the kind of boy every mom want to have! The kind that makes funny faces, the kind that blows slobber bubbles in your face, the kind that hits your face, the kind that crawls toward you the second you stand up, the kind that laughs that laugh that makes you laugh, that kind that is simply genuine!

He's growing up everyone! Right before our eyes! I know you guys are thinking, he looks about the same size as a couple blogs ago, but let me tell you, he might have thinned out because of his full on crawling stage, but he is so much taller!! I'm a very short person, so if anyone knows what tall is, it's me! lol I guess that's unfair to say since my height is below average. Thank goodness they get their height from their dad.

I honestly can't believe that it's been a whole year with this stud muffin!! If I can say just one thing about him from this first year on this earth, I would say, "He's so good to me!" Seriously! When I'm teaching my english relief society class, he will just sit their and watch me teach. If he crawls around to the other ladies, he'll sit quietly with them. A lot of times when I have a lot on my agenda for the day, I think of having to take him with me as a hard task. But then when I have someone to watch him at home and I'm out and about with Tamara, I can't stand being away from him. So over time, I've learned that taking Henele, even with all his tasks to get him along board is far more better for me, then to leave him home with Grandma.

His attitude is a mix of Coco, Jay and Teta. I can totally see my 3 nephews in Henele. And if I havent already blogged about it, Henele is named after those three. =) The O' Vikster broken down is [O'] from Tangilot[o], [Vik] from [Vik]ita, and [ster] from Che[ster]. ya Jay's actual name is Chester, after his Dad, Which by the way is an amazing Dad! I'll have to blog about our "in laws" one of these days, caue they do play a big part in our lives.

 Here we are at Target. Not sure what Tamara was doing, or where she was even at. But anytime we go to Targer, he cries to sit in the cart so he can stand up this way. He's too cute!

Henele is at a point where all he looks for is fun and food. I'll be changing his diaper and anytime I forget to bring a new diaper with me and I have to run in the room to grab one, he crawls and hides from me behind the pillows. And as soon as I walk in he starts laughing and sticks his head behind the pillow. I'll walk closer saying, "Henele, I'm coming!" Then he laughs harder and tries to wiggle the rest of his body behind the pillows. It's funny. I laugh every time.

He pretty much incredible!! Every minute of him for me is like a day to a kid at Disney Land!! Speaking of which, we may be taking a trip there this next year. That plan is still under evaluation. Hopefully. We'll keep our fingers crossed.

See what I mean about funny poses. So I bought me them big fur boots and Tamara absolutely loves to wear them. So for the past month I've been looking online for a pair for her that's her size. But I just can't find them anywhere. And when I do find them, they are too small or too big. Sucks!

Looking at the picture, should I put her in karate? tai kwon do? She does have a mean punch maybe kickboxing? I've already told myself that she will either be in dance or gymnastics. I don't know. I'm afraid if I put her in something that I want, she won't pursue what she wants. I guess we can always change programs later on right? We'll have to see about that.

She is far stronger then me. I feel so bad sometimes cause I put a lot of my work on her. Like when Henele makes a big mess with something, I tell her to clean it up, or when I'm changing Henele's diaper and I'm too lazy to grab a diaper, I tell her to get it, when I can't find something I need, I tell her to help me find it. I really need to kick it back in shape. Thanks Tamara for helping mom! I really can't go a day without you. =)

So when the ladies in relief society give them sugar, guess what I get? SUGAR HIGH KIDS! lol Here we are setting up my class waiting for my class to head in. Like I said, Henele is good to me in class. When he turns that 18 month corner, were gonna test him in Nursery all by his self. Hopefully he'll be walking by then. When kids start to take their first steps, that's all they care about. They wouldn't care for toys or treats, the fact that they can now commute is all they want to do when it begins.

I'm not sure what it'll be like when he starts walking. I do think that they will start fighting a little more. Sometimes Henele will crawl to the tv and start pressing the buttons on the tv and it will either turn off, turn the volume too high or too low and it drives Tamara crazy. I've heard her say, "gosh, go away henele!" Things like that and then I'll go and pull him away and tell Tamara to not say those things. I know theyre just kids, but the last thing you want is for you to have kids that hate eachother. I definitely don't want that.

Here is a pic with 'most' of the Sistah Sistahs. Now on my moms side of the family, my mom comes from a family of 7 sisters, no brothers. Her sister consist of Lou'aki, Ana, Paea, Manongi, Sieli, and Sepi (who lives in new zealand and we've never met). And all the girls in the pic come from one of the 7 sisters. Yep, we are all first cousins or some girls are married into the family and married one of our brothers. But together we make the Sistah Sistahs and 4 times a year (every quarter) we get together for a lucheon or an activity day or just something. We call it the Sistah Sistah quarterly activity. Me and my sister hosted this quarter and held our christmas activity at Sweet Leilani's over on Redwood. Just down the street from Moki's. It was so much fun! Games, fun and food all mixed in with family is a recipe for A GOOD TIME. =)

 
And again. lol Last month sometime, I just decided to drop everything I was doing and take the kids out for Ice Cream. There was this pretty Christmas tree in the corner of Baskin Robins and Tamara asked to take a picture. So here she is, with yet another 'weird pose and the ice cream of her choice. I think is was chocola       te and bubble gum? Something like that. But I just remember her saying that she loved her ice cream. Henele and I shared rocky road and vanilla.

I told Tamara after this picture that we are going to start a new tradition. For just our little family. For the entire month of December, where ever we are, whatever we are doing, if we run into a Christmas tree, we have to take a picture by it. She said, "ok mom, lets go find another tree." lol

Well, with Christmas just around the corner, we have plenty to do. But for now, I'm gonna enjoy the kids, and have me some Tamara and Henele time.

In case I don't make it to blog before Christmas my little family wishes you all a

VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Oh ya, SHOUT OUT to my two readers in Russia! Thanks for the feedback loves!! =) 

My ONE Man!!!

Ok. So this time, I'm already crying before Ive even started this entry.

Let me rewind exactly 12 months ago, this day, Nov. 30, 2011. The peak of where things fell apart and came back together with the birth of my son!

November 30, 2011. I had an appointment with Dr. Burgett for my 9 month check up. Really, I was at the point of this pregnancy where I would have to see Dr. every week. So off to Riverton I went. Dr. Burgett was being his same old self with his really bad jokes. Yet I still sat there and laughed to be polite. And just to save some time and a long drive I really didn't wanna do, I hurried him up and asked if he can hurry up and check my cervix to see if I've dilated any. So he checks and says some like, "Well, I think I pushed you to 4 centimeters, wanna head to the hospital now?" I was like, Oh hell no! Im going home!

Leroy had been there at this appointment. After as we walked out of the office is when I really asked Leroy to not give up on our family. I pleaded with him that if this is really the life he wanted to choose over our family, I would never let him back in my life again. He went on about how he didn't like the way we argued so much and that it was too much for him.

That's when I knew, my family had fallen apart. I told him, one last time, later on, you won't be with this girl. You won't like the life that you've chosen and when you attempt to then fix our family, it's going to be too late. He laughed.

It was that time as I left the office where I sat and thought in my mind, "This is it. He's on his way." I cried as I drove home. I cried for my Son that he would forgive me for the life hes about to enter into and the situation our family is in. I cried because my family was broke and there was absolutely nothing I could do. I cried because I knew better. I cried for Tamara. I cried.
Bangeter Highway seemed to favor me as I made it home safely without having to rush myself to the hospital. I knew what was going to happen soon and all I could think was, "Where is Tamara?"

Kuuipo and Nai had been super nice with helping me with Tamara since I was working as a Cashier at Sunflower Farmers Market with a full on pop belly.

Handling Tamara seemed to be easy this time of my life, even with a huge ol' belly in front of me. I think because it was the last time it was going to be "just Tamara".. It had been that way for the past two years and it was all about to change.

So while Tamara is out with Kuuipo, I'm home sitting on pinterest waiting for Mom to get off work and anyone else really. I sat at home alone thinking, "I hope I don't have to take myself to the hospital." I thought about telling Leroy but figured he was too busy with his new life. Doing that would only make me super mad and I wasn't about to have my son with a bad attitude.

Slowly family members get off work and are home. Everything is fine. I didn't wanna tell my Mom just yet cause she would be the one to say, "Lets go to the hospital." And if I did go, they wouldn't let me go home and I'd be there for hours and hours.

Tamara finally comes home and were watching Finding Nemo. I constantly am telling her, "Tamara, I love you." Over and over again.  I knew she was getting annoyed but I didn't care cause I knew things were gonna be different after that night. As she fell asleep, I finished the movie holding her close to my belly and kissing her like a crazy mom.

I fell asleep.

Then... it happened. SPLOOSH! My water broke. I got up to see what time it was, 12 something. We'll just say midnight. I get up and go jump in the shower. I remember looking down at my belly and thinking, welp now I'll be able to see my feet. I can tell just by my water breaking, my stomach was getting smaller. I put the most comfortable clothes I had on and I sat on the bed and watched Tamara sleep. I remember sitting there and whispering to her, "Tamara, I'm really gonna need your help these next couple days. Things will be different and I can't do it without you. I love you with all my heart." (might not be the exact words in that order, but something along those lines)

I lay next to her and give her a big hug. She was super annoyed by this time. I decide to go back to bed. I figured, if this delivery is anything like Tamara's, then I still have time. I wake up soon after at about 2 am. That's when I was really feeling it. I call Kuuipo and ask her to come and take me to the hospital. I then head to the front house and wake up Mom. I tell her it's time. She gets ready and we wait for Kuips to come.

I run and give Tamara one more kiss and head out to the Murray IHC. It was about 2:30 am by this point. I started singing my christmas songs that super annoyed Kuips. But I didn't care cause contractions compared to an annoying feeling was far greater.

We get there, I fight with the front desk girls cause they dont believe me when I say, "my water broke".. so I raise my voice and say, "did you want me to jump on this counter and show you that my water broke?".. yup, they pissed me off.

at 4:06 am on December 1, 2011 Henele O' Vikster Unasa was born! Everything came together for me. My life was complete. Sitting in the hospital with my newborn son, I settled  with the fact that I was a single mom. It was at the hospital when I decided, it will be a rough road, but that's not gonna stop us from seeing clear skies.

Life is magical if you let it be. If we but have the smallest sincerity with us to see the brighter side of things, we all can have hearts full of gratitude. I've learned from my son, the true meaning of gratitude.

This boy is so special to me. He knows his mom. He doesn't know his dad. He smiles like his mom, has anger like his dad, Super gorgeous like his mom (lol) stamina like his dad. And thinking of it all. I would say, "I did good." He's such a stud. I'm lucky to have him in my life. When I hold him or play with him, I think to myself, "I wouldn't be as strong as I am today without you!"

Henele is my main man! I can't give him his dad, but I can give him all the love of my heart and knowing his dad wouldn't mean a thing.

Thank you Henele for keeping my head up and always putting a smile on me and Tamara's face! I absolutely love you to no end! Yes! My love for you is infinite! I hope this past year wasn't the worst for you but do know that I'm doing my best to give you all that you truly deserve in this life. I might not have a new toy for you, a new swing or even a cake. But remember that as long as we are together, we will always have enough.

Thanks Buddy for being you! Happy First Birthday! Mommy Loves You So So Much!! MUAH!

THANK YOU HENELE FOR MAKING ME THE HAPPIEST MOM ALIVE!! HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY BUDDY! 

This next year will for sure be a great one with you Henele! I can't wait to see how much you progess this next years.

I'll be ok, just not today

Ever feel useless? Every feel like you're just not good enough no matter how hard you try?

Everything lately seems to be crumbling down on me. I feel like I'm just going through the motions but not doing anything whole-heartedly. I can't help but be even harder on myself then I am regularly and that doesn't help the issue. When I hear other peoples issues and hard times they are going through, I feel it. I know what it's like to hurt and to be stressed out so when others talk about it, it just recalls all those familiar feelings back to me and it just weighs me down.

My life. My rollercoaster. My ups and downs in my life are very distinct. I tend to be super happy and everything seems to come together but then things just don't feel that way anymore. It's like Advil. A temporary fix. I don't know if there is a way I can just drug up on "advil" so I'm not stuck in the dumps. It's that time of year that we renew ourselves. We prepare ourselves to be better people. Plan on bigger and better things. Love. Hope. Share. Laugh. Play.

I want this holiday season to be one to remember. One that, ten years from now, I can recall because this or that happened. I want them to be happy.

As I continue to feed off of their innocence, happiness and joy, I hope that you all can find meaning in your lives and make for a better you. I know I will.

Where had the time gone? I couldn't remember a time before when time seemed to speed up this fast. The road was so smooth. Like it was newly paved. Everything was right and just as it should be. Why wasn't I enjoying it? Were my feelings preparing me for something unexpected?  I know I think too much, but just this one time, I'm gonna look ahead with all the integrity within my body and continue. I'm going to let all the negative feelings settle while I physically watch things come and go. I can't stop now. Time continues and so shall I.

Tamara Turns Three

It all happened today, 3 years ago.

I would be sitting at the Murray IHC in room 4 on the 3rd floor of the womens center. Nurses couldn't believe I just had a baby natural. I had lost a lot of blood with her so I had been dead tired but didn't care that my body wanted to give in so bad cause I just had a baby.

I could remember that morning clearly. It was me, my mom and my sisters kuuipo and aki. Leroy was there but couldnt handle me beating him up with all the contractions I was feeling. He was a little whoose anyway. I remember pushing and the nurses fighting with me to stop. It's true when they say, YOU KNOW when it is time for them to come. Nurses and doctors to go off of how much you've dilated and how close your contractions are, but only the prego will be the one to really know when ITS TIME.

After the nurses kept on fighting with me to stop pushing, I gave in. But as I stopped pushing, I knew she was coming. I turned to kuuipo and said I think I need to use the bathroom. I walk over to the bathroom and felt down there and sure enough, it was her head.

Kuuipo watches me and I look at her and say, "uh oh." She gives me a weird like and I say, "Thats her head." So, I walk over to the bad and start pushing her out. The nurse turns and sees me crowning and runs out to get the doctor, Her head comes out and the doctors and nurses run in and tell me to wait... was I gonna wait? hell no. The nurses are trying to get her delivery bed ready while I start delivering my own baby. lol the doctor tells the nurses to run over and hold my legs up. yet kuuipo and aki were already doing that. haha  A couple pushes later, Tamara Leethee Unasa was born. (really debating on changing their last name).

When I heard that first cry she let out, I laid there and couldnt believe what I had just done. I couldn't believe I just gave birth. The put Tamara in my arms wrapped in a towel and I started crying. It was that moment they put her in my arms when I truly felt the meaning of true love.

to this day, I never knew how much you could love someone with a hard passion.

I would hold her in my arms and wait till she would wake up. I loved her dimples. And when I saw her eyes for the first time. They were a pearl color. A very dark pearl. And I remember looking at her and thinking to myself, "Shes gonna have blue eyes." I never told anyone, I kept it to myself. A week later, they lightened up a whole lot. They were a very much blue color. And that's when my family couldn't stop talking about it or looking at it. Almost as if she was a freak. Nai was the most surprised that her eyes were blue the way that they were. Leroy had gone on about how it comes from his side of the family. I laughed and really didn't care. What mattered most was that she was healthy and had all her ten toes and ten fingers and everything else that a normal person should have.

Then after that, everyone that saw her, Dr. Vierra and Nurse Christina would tell me that it's normal for her eyes to come out blue when they are born, They told me that her eyes would turn to it's true color after a couple weeks. Her eyes were just adjusting to life or whatever. But in my mind, I knew that her were gonna stay the same. Everyone kept on about how they will change to brown. I think it's just one of those things you know. as a mom, you just know. Three years later her eye color stayed.

I think I've only actually looked at her eyes and observed the color maybe twice in her whole life. lol I don't care that her eyes are blue, gray, green. It doesnt matter to me at all. As long as they are functioning fine for her, I'm great. But her eye color is definitely the one feature that everyone knows her by. But boy are they missing all the details of what's behind those eyes of hers. The real Tamara! =)

Leethee. Here middle name. It means, Always to Remember, Never to forget. It's after a lady named Lethe on a church film called, The Mailbox. A very good movie. If you havent seen it, I'd recommend it. But Lethe was a very inspirational women. Initially, it was supposed to be Tamara Lee Unasa. After Les. I didn't want it Losili or Leslie. I wanted it Lee. But before I had filled our her name form, Lee had called me and asked to change it to Leethee after her and Lethe to give it a special meaning. I loved the idea and so then changed it. =)

Tamara has gone through so much with me in only the 3 years shes been on this earth. She's literally MY ROCK. I couldn't have made it this far without her. She's seen me down in the dumps. I've cried my eyes out to her (and still do sometimes). She's taken good care of me through the time of our family falling apart. She knows when I'm not ok and sure enough always asks me, "Mom, are you ok?" When I'm mad at her for doing something she knows she's not supposed to do, she says, "Mom, I'm sorry, I's my fault." When she does something mean to Henele that makes me cry she says, "Sorry Henele, I didn't mean to." When I bake her cupcakes or take her to McDonalds to get her her favorite chicken nuggets she says, "Mom! This is ALICIOUS!" When I'm doing my homework and totally stressed trying to get it done she says, "Mom, come, I need to talk to you." She'll take me to the room and hold my face between her two little hands and look me dead in the eye and say, "Mom, you're ok, I luff you!"

She's doing right now cause I'm crying as I blog. I love her so much!

Putting the little things she does to words and actually grasping them makes me realize that I am truly blessed with the best! We still have yet more adventures to endure and I know with my Tamara by my side she'll make the ride worth while.

I can't wait to see whats in store this next year with her. and I can guarantee, it will be great!

I LOVE YOU TAMARA LEETHEE!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TAMARA!

Secrets Revealed

I'm gonna write a book.

The type.. is a secret. All I know is that I have a passion for writing. Blogging is one thing. Its a place for me to vent, to write memories I'd like to look back on in the future. Its like "the spot" for me when I can't handle things and everything just seems too heavy for me to carry. Which by the way seems to be far more often then I'd like. Blogging keep me sane. It helps reflect on everything that goes on in my life and reminds me of why I do what I do.

For the longest time, including the decision of making the effort of coming back to school to get my degree, I've wrestled with myself with what I'm going to school for. Why am I taking the class I am? What am I gonna do to provide for them "successfully".. Its a whole load that I continue to carry on my back and if I could simply DECIDE, the load would so be easier for me.

I think I've decided on my major. But because I can't make up my mind. I just might double major. Now you can say, "She's crazy."

Buisness & Criminal Justice

I know. Two common majors but long hall majors is my issue. So I figured, if this is what I've decided, I won't change my mind and I will commit. I'll probley try and book my schedule as full as I can to get it done as quick as possible. I'm scared, and excited.

I know with the whole wanting to write a book bit at the beginning wouldve made you think I wanted to be a writer. Well that passion is something I wanna do on my own time. That's part of what makes it a passion. It becomes something you put on your plate that you want there. =)

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween!

For Halloween this year, I have my very own.....

SPIDER PUMPKIN!!

Halloween this year was so great! Thanks so much to the weather. Its for sure one that I will remember. When I was young, I remember trick or treating in light snow. and thats kinda how that weathers been for the past couple years. or super cold. but last night was so great for the kids! Im normally the one that walks out with the kids but this year i stayed home and was the passer outter and watched the x factor with my mom and kuuipo. 

Great Holiday overall!

No Justice Served

I know what youre thinking. Who's the white girl.

Well. Last Friday in my writing class our homework was to write a 2 page report on a current event, journalism style (my fave). So as I switched back and forth between ksl and fox 13 I ended up just simply closing my eyes and circling my mouse on the different articles and news reports and figured that's how I was going to pick my current event.

Welp. Her name is Autumn Pasquale and she was murdered this past weekend. As I sat here doing more and more research on her case and watching different news reports, I find myself feeling more mad about her murder and more sorrow for the family. Almost as if I knew her myself. This girl lived on the other side of the country in New Jersey.

Her story has swept the nation. She died from two brothers age 15 and 17. Like REALLY? What the heck goes through a killers mind while in the act of their selfless crimes. I absolutely hate people like this. No motive. NO NOTHING! To take an innocent young girls life for no damn reason is soooo ugh! I can't even think of a word that describes my anger.

The two suspects names aren't being released because they're being charged as juveniles but tomorrow they may be tried as adults. I would hope that for swift justice for our Autumn Pasquale they do.

It bothers me. It does. I don't even know this girl and I feel like I need to go kill those two dudes to get her the justice she deserves. I don't know. I know that there are far more cases just like this one and yet here I am going all biotch on this one because my mouse happened to stop on her news report.

What if I had picked something different that really would have pissed me off. Why can't we just have some justice in this world. Hell. Why can't everyone just BE NICE! Gosh.

Like A Boss Man

Ahhh! My dearest Henele.

He definitely is something. Something I can't put my finger on. I bet all moms are like that with their boys. If I could describe to you what his personality is like, would you be surprised that I would answer "Like a boss man".. He totally gets it from his sister.

I got me some BOSS KIDS! lol

Anyway. This point for my little boss man I'd say he's on track. He is healthy, strong and all mine. haha I do have to say that he punches like a punk. He's hit the "understanding" stage. You know.. the one when you do something that he doesn't like he starts up a fuss.

If I take away his bottle or his toy he will hit you and start yelling at you in baby talk. But if you take away his FOOD, oh good to the dang luck. If you do that, all I have to say is that you asked for it.

I was on pinterest the other day and I ran into a pin that linked to a blog. I read this ladys blog and I'll admit, it brought me to my knees in extreme tears. I knelt down to my kids and just cried I Love You! If you wanna check it out, here it is.

If not, I'll keep it simple as a mom losing her child. And a young child it was. All I could do was imagine what it would be like, could be like. I would only hope and pray that good health is always gonna be in our favor. I could not imagine me ever lifting a smile if I lost my Henele. I couldn't.

So to Ronan (the kid in the blog). My heart goes out to you and your family.

Henele will be 1 in just a little over a month. I hope this next year goes by much slower then this year. I am truly blessed he has his older sister to look up to. They always stick together and I love catching her take care of him without me asking her to.

I am one lucky lady to have been blessed with these two.

I LOVE YOU SON!

I hope you guys continue to count your blessings as most times they are hidden and can only be felt within. And I hope your fall season is going as well as ours.