First time to the dentist.

Well... Tamara has now gone to the Dentist for the first time! Boy was it hard. They tried to get an xray.

Totally didn't happen.
So we waited for the Dentist and he took a look in her mouth only to find that she has a Viral Infection in her gums.

He gums were totally red and what the Denist refers to as "inflamed"... scared me a little. But I guess children get it from putting something in their mouth that they shouldn't. After he said that, I thought to myself.. "she should have Viral Infections all the time then." lol cause Lord knows that more then half the stuff she puts in her mouth are things she shouldn't.

Wrote up her prescription. Then we were off to Walgreens to get the goods. lol

The Tamara and Hene Life!!

I honestly love being a Mom! I don't think that anything else in this world could possibly make me any happier then being a Mom. Now that Tamara is 2 and Hene is 2 Weeks, I enjoy every second of it! Literally. I can be up all night and up all day continuously and I wouldn't mind one bit.

I've fallen in love all over again! My son is just so addicting! I can't get enough of him! He puts that smile on my face like no other guy can. He makes me melt! My kids complete me. And thinking about my little family, I honestly wouldn't mind living it a single Mom. Sometimes I catch myself thinking about my own life and wonder if I'll ever let another guy into it, and at this point, I don't want to. I enjoy my kids too much!

Here is what I live for!

The Craziest Thing Happened

I just read over the last entry on my blog and its funny. I was right about Dr. Burgett "pulling the trigger" when he checked my cervix early that day. Cause my water broke around 12 that night. lol Its funny though. My water had broke and I knew it did, and what did I do, I went right back to sleep. lol I woke back up at around 1 in the morning and then decided to get up and go to the hospital. Called Kuuipo to come on over so we can HAVE A BABY.. lol already had my hospital bag ready, went to the big house, woke up my mom and we went to the Murray IHC.. Drove there singing my christmas tunes (which annoyed the hell out of kuuipo).. finally got there, told the nurses at the front desk that I had already "ruptured" and off to room 4 I went to await my Sons arrival..

In room 4 at around 1:30 maybe 2 am.. contractions arent too bad just yet.

Planned a "natural" birth.. ahhhhh!

starting at 2:30ish, the contractions and pain kicked in!
I remember wanting to give in so bad and take an epidural. But I stayed strong.
Nurses constantly telling me to breath.. the whole "hee hee hoo" crap sooooo doesnt work for me.
I was dilated to maybe a 7 and started pushing! The nurses kept fighting with me trying to get me to stop pushing.. but what did I do? I said... "Hell No! This baby is coming!" lol
So dilated at a 7, I pushed myself to a 10 within a matter of seconds..

then finally after all that excruciating pain..

and all that waiting and waiting...

weighing in at 5 lbs 7 oz
20 inches long
and a cry that would make you wanna slap yo momma! lol

HENELE O' VIKSTER UNASA WAS BORN!!!!!!!

Its now going on 3 weeks that hes been on this Earth, I can definitely say that I am complete. I have an amazing daughter, and an amazing son. Dad is now considered "baby daddy" lol. But I love my life this very second. The chance to have both my kids all to myself every minute of the day is such a great blessing. I hate it when theyre both sleeping cause I get bored very fast! I love the chaos. I love the sleepless nights. I love the crying. I love it all.

Hene is such an angel! Some nights when I'm up feeding him, I can literally just stay up and stare at him. I tend to just watch my kids and I can just dream of them growing up independent and successful. I can see them learning life's lessons from me and what I've gone through. Theres only one thing as a mom that I absolutely hate, and thats hoping that all of this doesnt go by too fast. I dont want them to grow up. I just want them to stay babies so I can hold them and play with them. Gotta love being a Mommy!! =)

I'm Grateful For Life!

I swear I live every day of my life and now thinking of my prayers, I never thank my father in heaven for the gift of life. I thank him for every day, but I don't recall, life. My life, I've definitely taken for granted way too many times.

My life now, does not reflect the teachings of my parents. They raised me right. They raised me well. It was me that made "life" decisions that I guess I would say, went in the wrong order from the order I was taught. Now looking at life from the perspective of a Mom, I would say that it is the greatest gift that anyone can receive.

I'm just about to give life. It amazes me. Birth, pregnancy. The whole bit. I will never forget when my Tamara was born. I couldn't believe it. I had carried her for 9 months and then all of sudden, she was there. She was in my arms. She cried for the first time and I was just overwhelmed at what had just happened. Now that I'm about to give birth again. I'm due in about 15 days. I can't help but feel grateful for the gift of life.

I had gone to Riverton to see Dr. Burgett for my "weekly" appointment. We monitored the baby for about a half an hour to make sure there was no "distress" on the baby. He checked out great! I'm now dilated to a 4! Woohoo! And Dr. Burgett says that he bets I'll have this baby by the end of this week! Woohoo! December Baby! Although after he checked my cervix, I think he might have pulled the trigger. My contractions right now are a bit much. lol Then again, I am sitting here blogging with a cup of hot chocolate and eating raspberry crumb cake. I'm so hungry!

Since Tamara decided to go with my Mom to my Aunt Paea's house, I'm finally getting some down time all to myself. Some much needed down time. Totally wouldn't mind if "labor" interfered with my down time though. It actually would be perfect. I'm always scared that I'll go into labor and have Tamara with no one else around. Scared that she won't know whats going on. If I had to take her to the hospital with me and wait for someone to help babysit her. Seeing as Leroy is no longer in my family picture. But I've pretty much moved on from that chapter of my life.

The Leroy chapter of my life has been shut down, terminated, cancelled, discontinued. So many appropriate words for it. lol

Other than that. Got the laundry done. And I'm ready for the hospital if it happens anytime soon. So this very second couldn't be more relaxing and stress free!

Welp.. now I'm gonna go to the Library and find me a good book to sink into and maybe stop by mc dees for a burger. Hopefully by the time I get home Tamara will be here and I can play with her until it's time for "night night."

Woot woot!

I'm Grateful For #22

#22 Doctors and Medicine

Thanks to those individuals that sacrifice a good chunk of their lives to gain the knowledge they need to help us live and be well. Doctors are such a blessing. I'm totally grateful for them. And Medicine, how ever all that stuff gets put together to help us get better is all a miracle to me!

I'm Grateful For #21

#21 The Earth

In the world today, EVERYONE takes this planet for granted. Every now and then do we actually take a look at a picture, or a sunset, tell help us reflect and remind us of how blessed we are to have this planet we live on. We are blessed with trees, flowers, and animals. All things that help us live and have the things that give us life. I LOVE THE EARTH!

I'm Grateful For #20

#20 The Worldly Things

Yes. I said it. The Worldly Things.
* A Car (My Car)
* Television
* Computers
* Cell Phones
* Clothes
The little things like this that "in the end" really don't matter actually help out a lot in my every day life. Yes, I do realize that I can't take them with me to my next life, but as long as I'm still here on this Earth, I will always be grateful for these little things!

I'm Grateful For #19

#19 2846 S. 3095 W. West Valley City, Utah 84119

AKA MY HOME! This place has such a big spot in my heart. It's my get away, my turn to point, my one place that I know I will always be safe. It's that one place where you know you could never go wrong; A place where you will never feel left out. A place that makes you laugh, smile, cry, the whole bit. A place where I will always want to be. I LOVE MY HOME!

I'm Grateful For #18

#18 Lulagi "Leroy" Unasa

Would rather not have a picture of him. But he is the Father to my kids. My soon to be ex-husband. Even though things didn't work out between me and him, I'm still grateful for him. Without him, I wouldn't have my kids who are now and forever, my life.

I'm Grateful For #17

#17 Gordon B. Hinckley

My most favorite Prophet of all time!! President Gordon B. Hinckley. I grew up with him as my Prophet and he plays a big roll in my life along with my Testimony. Just the thought of him or picturing him in mind automatically brings a smile to my face. You can't help but smile. He is so inspiring and has always and will always be someone that I look up to and want to be like. I want my kids to roll model him just as much as me. He is a great man in every way.
I LOVE THIS PROPHET!!

I'm Grateful For #16

#16 The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints

Why is it that when people are going through bad times, or when they need something is when they turn to the Lord? These days, we really do take this gospel fro granted. I now am realizing, with my little family breaking apart, kicking out Leroy, and becoming a single mom to two kids, I've started doing the things the church encourages us to do on a regular basis. I ask myself, why haven't I been doing this anyway? or in the first place? I feel so much better after reading an uplifting scripture that helps me get through my day, but to think of how great my days could've been if I were always doing this. I truly am blessed with this gospel and I wish I never take it for granted again. It's always been here for me when things are unstable for me, so I need to be able to just live the principles that were taught to me from the beginning each and everyday, for the rest of my life. My kids will be brought up with the teaching that were taught to me through this gospel, but I will make it a priority to multiply their wanting this gospel in their lives. I LOVE THIS GOSPEL!!

I'm Grateful For #12, 13, 14 & 15

#12 Aki and Chester Malaeulu

Where to begin with these two. Aki and Chester are such great parents! I look up to their parenting in every way. I love seeing and keeping up with with what there family is doing cause they are always doing there every day activities based on "family." They now have 4 kids. They are still young and I just can't help but hope that my family can one day be on the same level as theirs. They are such great examples, even on their off days. They are the kind of family that will open there day with a prayer, fight all day long and still close with a prayer and remind each other of how much they love each other. I LOVE ME MALULUS!

#13 Kuuipo and Nai Tausinga

Oh man! These two literally are the "second parents" of our family. They've gone through struggle, they've seen, heard and pretty much experienced it all. These two are the "life savers" of the family. They have really mastered sacrifice. Kuuipo alone has always been someone I've looked up to and wanted to be like. I remember having to share rooms with her when she was still living at home and not one night would go by without her getting on her knees to say her individual prayer. She is truly a daughter of God. She is blessed. She is honest. She is to all of us 6 younger siblings, THE BEST OLDEST SISTER. I'm very blessed to have her in my life and be the example that she is. I LOVE MY TAUSINGAS!!

#14  MADRE I PADRE

Two words, HARD WORK! I think if there was one thing my parents would want us kids to learn from them it would be to work, work hard and work honestly. My parents are legit! I was truly blessed to have them be my parents! My Dad is such a softy. He does have his "days" don't get me wrong, but always at the end of every day, my day is THE GREATEST DAD! He works through hot summers and cold winters without any complaint. He's the type of Dad that is only happy when the kids are happy. He works so hard each and every day and comes home to lazy, spoiled kids and most days never has any lunch money. I've always seen through my Dad a lot of Humility. When I have ever had a bad day, I never went wrong with turning to my Dad. I remember my Junior High School years when me and my Dad would go late at night, out for some Ice Cream. I loved it, cause it was just me and him. We didn't have any of my other siblings and we would just talk about the most random things. From the weather, to sports, to school, to church. It really didn't matter. We just enjoyed each others company. Those nights, I will never forget!
My Mom, is pretty much Super Woman. Well... Super Woman times a thousand. I really don't know how my Mom does what she does. And what she does, is pretty much EVERYTHING! Cook, clean, taxi driver, bill payer, hard full time worker, 7 children barer, cheerleader, lunch money giver, baby sitter, at home quilter worker for some extra cash, mechanic, house fixer upper, loving Mom! She's up working well before the Sun shines and goes well past it setting at night. I know most days my Mom goes a day with a good 2 to 3 hours of sleep, making it actually just a power nap. And to her that's normal. She has sacrificed so much for our family and still does to this day. She never gets enough credit for all her hard work and she never complains. I know that us kids get on her nerves a lot but she has never failed to put aside her hard feelings to still try and make us kids happy. She slaves for us and we most definitely take her for granted A LOT! My Mom is the type to secretly make us happy. She can think of every different way to makes us happy, work hard to  just put that smile on our face and we wouldn't know how hard she worked at putting that smile on our face. I pray that one day I can come close to the woman that my Mom is. I bet it's impossible but at least she's put out a level that I can work towards for the rest of my life and try to be as great as her for my kids to look up to as well.
I LOVE YOU MOM AND DAD!!!

# 15 Silivia Vaiolingi Langi

Namesake! My Grandma! She's past on and yet still runs through my mind a lot. I could never be as great as she was. Like my mom, they set the examples high for us to goal and try to accomplish. My Grandma Silivia was such a hard worker and I remember as a child, I wouldn't ever give her a break. She did it all. I remember the way she walked, it was a sort of wobble and a limp combined. I knew she had bad knees but that never once stopped her from doing work. She was also a collector. Whether is was stamps, pens, cans, pictures or whatever it was. I would love watching her smile every time she found something she could add to her little collections and put it her jacket pockets or under her mattress. My Grandma Silivia was a great woman and I hope just like my Mom, that I could be as good as she was!
I LOVE YOU GMA SILIVIA!!!

I'm Grateful For #11

#11 Leslie Alusa Langi

My Dear Leslee! She is the kind of sister EVERYONE wants. She the type of person you can turn to regardless of what the situation is. You could probably go and murder someone and know that she is the type of person you could run to. She has always been there for me. Growing up, she was always my ears on a bad day, my wallet when I was starving, my cheerleader at my sports games and just in general, she is a GREAT SISTER! She plays a big part in my life and LOVE HER TO DEATH!!!

I'm Grateful For #10

#10 David Latu Langi Jr. & Loisi

These two are what I would call "The Lost Sheep." lol But at the end of the day, what these two have gone through and the love I have for them keeps me alert and grounded. Because of them, I always think of the worst that could happen. On the other hand, these two are also "The Life of The Party!" I don't think our little family get togethers would be as fun without these two. They really do bring a lot of laughs, smiles and just the fun in general. No matter what, these two will always have a special place in my heart. I LOVE TEAM ZERIOUS!

I'm Grateful For #8 & 9

#8 Viliami Ta'ai Langi

My Little Brother Willy! The Baby of the family. My little brother is so special to me. Growing up as kids, I relayed a lot of negative things I got from my older siblings down to poor little Willy. One thing I love about Willy is that he has such a big heart. If there was one thing I about Willy that has always stood out in his life, it would be that he knows the true meaning of Sacrifice. He is now a Junior in High School and boy has he grown up so fast. He's a very loving kid and if I had to depend on one of my three brothers on anything, I know Willy would be the first one I would call. I LOVE YOU RINNIE BOI!!!

#9 Filimone Palanite Langi

Money Jabroni! Me and Mone go waaaayyyyy back. Like seriously. Me and Mone pretty much grew up together. We would always team up against little Willy since he pretty much always got what he wanted versus anything me and Mone. Our Childhood is where me and Mone really bonded. We had the same friends, most of the time. I wasn't allowed to play with boys when we were kids but I did anyway cause I always hung out with Mone. Mone is the "softy." He is definitely the listener in the family. He always has some good advice on anything you might be talking about at the time. He is never one you would hate to be around. He's very talented at what he loves to do, which is art/photography. I LOVE MY BIG BRO MONE!!!

I'm Grateful For #6 & 7

#6 Vikita Uinseni Tausinga

AKA Teta AKA Hulksmash! One look at my little Victor and you would think, "football." Right off the bat, he's big, bulk, built and definitely someone you would think, "I don't wanna mess with him." But really, Victor, out of the entire Monster Crew, has the BIGGEST HEART! Without a doubt, he is what society would refer to as, a teddy bear. BIG and SOFT! Victor definitely has the strength of an army don't get me wrong, but coming from great parents, he knows his limits. The one thing I love about Victor is that he is such a great listener. I remember I would walk him and Sunshine to school every morning when I lived with him and his family, and Victor was always the one to listen to what I had to say. I LOVE YOU HULKSMASH!

#7 Christina Vaiolingi Malaeulu

The First. The Oldest. The Responsible. The Dependable. The Girly-Girl! My Dear little Christina. She is so SMART! Without a doubt, she knows her place and she knows her roll as "the oldest." Most times I hate that she's only 7 going on 8 and having to babysit the "younger" Monster Crew. But does she ever complain? No. She definitely has a very bright future ahead of her. She has the humility of her Mom, and the courage of her Dad. Christina is just another one of those kids, "you don't have to worry about." I can't wait to see what her future brings. I do know that whatever it is, it will be great!
I LOVE YOU CHRISTINA!!

I'm Grateful For #5

#5 Leipua O' San Juan Mission Tausinga

AKA Sunshine. Sunshine is who Tamara totally looks up to. She loves Sunshine so much. I have such a soft spot in my heart for my dear little Sunshine. She is so smart. She might only be 6 years old, but she has the brain of a High School Student. Like seriously! One thing I know for sure, is that with the way Sunshine is, when she grows older, she's one person that you know you don't have to worry about. She's the type that doesn't need to be told twice and only needs to learn and be told something once to get it down and get it done. Sunshine is Success! I can't wait to see what she brings in the future. I have no doubt that she will not let us down and that she will go far!
I LOVE YOU LEIPUA!!!

I'm Grateful For #4

#4 Chester Berman Junior

My nephew Jay!
I'm sure you can tell just by the picture that he's the "funny guy" in the family. No seriously, he really is. His 2 cent comments can definitely get you. He always has something to say, and when he says it, it can either make you laugh or smile. Either way you can't go wrong with Jay! He definitely will be the one people want to be around and hang out with all cause he comes with that humor package! He gets "picked on" a lot by us "older" people and yet he never complains. He is one that you know you can depend on if ever you have no where to turn.
I LOVE YOU JAY!

I'm Grateful for 1, 2 and 3

Well, I've decided that for the month of November (the month of thanks), I'm gonna blog about something I'm grateful for, one thing for each day of the month. So seeing as today is the 3rd, I have some catching up to do, but not too much.

#1 Tamara Leethee

My one and only little girl!
She will be 2 this Saturday!
Tamara Leethee is literally my strength. I have never gone a day without my Tamara. She is my reminder of true happiness is. She is my new foundation and focus to move forward and continue down the right roads. She is my "hanny-manny." And even though she is what keeps me up at night, most of my big headaches and even my own frenemy at times, Tamara will always be my "reason." My reason behind every day of the rest of my life. My reason to do everything I do. My reason for life!
I love you Tamara Leethee!
YOU ARE THE WORLD TO ME!

#2 Luseane Vaiolingi Malaeulu

My Dear Luseane! She has only been in my life a hot minute but that first time she came to the big house for me to watch her and I laid my eyes on her, she immediately reminded me of how precious life is. This little Princess already has things under control. She is strong just like her big sister! She has the cheeks that without even thinking you're constantly kissing and squeezing! Her smile makes you melt and when you hold her, the feeling you get is like a good mix between a 5 year old on Christmas morning and the feeling you get in your gut when you accomplish a goal you've had set for so long and you've finally succeeded!
She gives you the look of trust. She is simply your everyday Princess!
I LOVE YOU BABY LUSEANE!

#3 Tangiloto I'moana Malaeulu

Tangiloto, also known as "CoCoa." Nicknamed by my very own Tamara as she couldn't say Tangiloto. Our Albino Baby! He is the type of kid where you look at him once and find yourself already smiling. His personality is well rounded. You can honestly find him doing anything and everything AND EVERYWHERE! lol With him now just recently starting to walk he definitely has you're eyes opened to the max. His laugh is so contagious! I don't think that there has every been a time where I've seen him with someone and wasn't smiling or laughing or doing both at the same time! I LOVE YOU TANGILOTO!

Slowing Down

Well, I'm now going on 34 weeks! Oh, Goodie!
I'm tired, restless and could really use a break. Working as a cashier going on 8 months pregnant is some hard stuff. Yes, I do give cashiers props for their job and what they do, now having the experience, but doing it with 30 lbs in front of you has definitely got me drained. I only work part time too. My shifts are usually 5 to 11 pm and by the time I get home Tamara is sleeping, thank goodness. I wake up maybe 2 to 3 times a night to Tamara either needing a drink or she is having a bad dream. Then she wakes up at about 9 am only to sit next to me while I catch a couple more z's for maybe another 30 minutes or so. I feel bad when she sits and talks to me while I try and keep sleeping. So terrible! We then get up and get ready for our day which consists of getting the bed ready, morning bath, brush and picking up any clutter that was left from the day before. Then we head to the big house to watch Mickey Mouse Club House and me catch up with the world through the almighty facebook. While we get that all going, we tidy up the big house and put together our lunch, if we decide to stay in. I like to go out, as I am extremely lazy these days. But there are days I like to put a couple breakfast things together. Then 2:30 rolls around which means, Grandma is coming home! Then we hang out with Grandma and do anything she needs to get done. Then I go to work and come home to do it all over again!
Why must everyday seem so repetitive?
Well 34 months pregnant Via is gonna go take a deep nap right now!
I'm DRAINED OUT!!
Thank you tamara for taking a nap right now so it's much easier!

The Letter

Dear Son,

We are now 33 weeks along with you and I just wanted to take this time to thank you for all of the most recent SLEEPLESS nights we've had together. I can tell you like party like a rock star till the sun comes back up in the morning. I can tell that one year from now, as you start learning how to walk, you will already be a huge HEADACHE to me.

As we come to a close of this pregnancy in preparation for your arrival, I know right this second you hold all the cards, but BE PREPARED! Your cards will only last you another 7 weeks, SO USE THEM WISELY! Come December there is only one thing you will always know...

Your Mother Is No Joke!

Other than that, I can't wait to meet you. You already make me happy, minus the cramps and bladder jabs. We will see ya in 7 weeks, give or take a day or two! 

Love you forever,

Your Mother

A Pirate Princess

 So me and Tamara went shopping today for her Halloween Costume. I had so much fun, minus the random temper tantrums of course! But other then that, I feel like we have been all over Salt Lake City today, only to end up getting her costume at a local Walmart. I knew I would end up getting it from there but thought, why not shop around in hopes to find something more unique at a better looking price that's within our budget.

While at Walmart, I had found two costumes that I would be fine with getting her, A Witch or A Pirate Princess! I look at Tamara sitting in the cart holding both costumes and ask, "Which one?" She points at the Pirate Princess first and then the Witch. I start to laugh thinking the most obvious tie breaker for the two choices and say to her, "You're already a Witch, A Pirate Princess it is!" All the Moms around me start to laugh at what I had just said. I put her costume in the cart and off we go.

Last year Tamara was an Angel. As, a year ago, she really was an Angel. But it had started to snow early last year that we never got the chance to take her out to take pictures. And if we did, I have no idea where they would be stored.

But these pictures are from just a couple hours ago. We had put on her costume and I took her outside to get some good pictures before it got too dark. Unfortunately it was already too cold so we had to go fast! As you see how our little Halloween photo shoot ended with a little Pirate Pouter! I don't blame her at all though. I like to say to myself when it comes to kids, "Kids will be kids."

I love my little Pirate Princess!

1 Year Later

I was watching Tamara play in the sandbox today in the front yard and started thinking, "What is it gonna be like in 1 year?" Tamara will be talking some by then. She will be a big sister. Where will me and my kids be then? Still at home with Mom and Dad? Our own place? Where will I be working then? What will life be like? Will Leroy be around? I really do hope that things will at least be okay. I guess the only thing I can do or at least the best thing for me to do, is my best. And hope that I will simply be able to see 1 year later.

Being More Happy

Leroy is a loser! He hasn't come to visit Tamara in almost a week! Sad story! I feel the longer he stays away, the angrier I am at him. Why? Cause it just goes to show how much he really does care about Tamara. I'm getting to the point where I don't ever want him to see her again for the rest of her life. If he really did love her, he would visit her. He calls maybe once or twice a day only for me to ignore it. Tamara deserves so much better. I just wanna go slash his tires so he really can't see her. He'll find his way back running to his mommy and daddy, who thank goodness live all the way in Alaska!

Still Truggin Along

Tamara is the light of my life. I don't know what I would do with my little girl. She's every kind of unique! She's both bad and good, which I think is necessary in everyone's life. She talks so much like my Grandma Silivia. It's incredible! Lately we've been pretty much giving ourselves a fresh new start. We have our "regulars," our morning routine and our "closing our day" routine. It's sort of repetitive so I really need to throw in a couple of different things every now and then. The last thing I want is for Tamara to live a life and already know "what's next" on the agenda.
She is growing up so fast. Every day when I go to work I always wish to myself if I could spend every minute of everyday with Tamara. She really does keep me up these days with my marital issues going on and all. Here are some recent pics of Tamara growing right before my eyes.

 In the front yard at Grandmas House enjoying a nice sun shining fall day.
Picture taken October 15, 2011

Tamara almost losing her balance randomly. She's so silly!

Tamara found some yummy treats in Uncle Willy's Room and that's what she is in her mouth behind that there smile.

Tamara posing for the Camera! She turns 2 in less than a month!!

SHE'S SO GUILTY!!

Broken

I'm tired. I hate being fake in front of Tamara as if I'm happy and everything is o.k. when really in the back of my head, I'm the total opposite. It's so hard to let go. I have to keep telling myself that all of this was out of my control. My headaches have reached a level I don't think anyone has reached. Here I am complaining and hurting over my broken family when there are much more important things I need to be focused on. Hello Via.... You're due in two months! My poor Son has no choice but to feel what I feel.
Lately, I've been resorting to reading books, whether it's a couple chapters in the Book of Mormon with Tamara or just a book. I started reading one of my Sisters books I found in her room the other day. It's called, "Not Easily Broken." The title just seemed to go along with all the crap that's going on in my life. I like the book so far. I just hope that it has a good strong struggle that someone will overcome and hopefully through their triumphs, it can help me get through mine. At the point I'm at, I'm willing to take on anything to get over all the hurt and pain.

A Broken Heart

Man, this sucks! I wish I could fast forward through everything that's going on right now. I want to cry! I want to beat someone up so bad! I'm tired of being such a Angry Angie! Why? Cause my poor little Tamara Leethee gets a lot of my hard feelings. She's done nothing wrong but be the beautiful, fun, and outgoing little girl she is. I just want to scream to Leroy, "THEY DON'T DESERVE THIS!!" I want to hurt him so bad that his suffering drops him to his knees and makes him cry out to the Lord begging for a way out.
And even though I take a lot of my anger out on him, umm hello??... VIA, YOU ARE JUST AS STUPID!! I'm constantly telling myself that if I would have done things the right way, I wouldn't be hating the life I've created for my kids. Everything I've done so far has all backfired on my kids. I could careless for mine, it's theirs that breaks me when I think of the kind of life I'm putting them through.

Trying

 I put such a hard shell on when I'm around everyone and I do feel it's necessary. But at the same time I have my moments where I simply just break down. Before I go to sleep at night, I can't help but dwell on it all and think about everything. From the good to the bad, wondering if one outweighs the other. I've thought about blogging about it but then think to myself of how stupid I would be to constantly only blog about me getting through it all and hiding the times I let go. I want the best for my kids. I want them to grow up with both their mom and their dad, being able to see them each and everyday. Having one or the other to confide in when they are in need of it.
Now, I can't give them that. I'm alone. I have to try my hardest to play both roles. It's hard. Getting over him alone is hard. I wonder if every day for the rest of my life, will I think about this. Cause I do now.
Do tears really heal the soul? Cause if it did, It's not working for me. How many sleepless nights will I have to endure? And really, how did I let it get this far?
Although the weight of the car has pretty much been lifted off my shoulder. I can't help but ask. Why help the one that has brought so much heartache and pain? All I've done has only brought shame to our family. Lee, the third oldest of us seven kids, looks at me and says, "That's just it, we're family. We might not agree with some of the decisions you've made in your life, but that doesn't mean we won't be here for you when you need us." As we each continue to push, I ask, "Where did you guys come from? How did you know where to find me." Mom looks at me as she carries Tamara to calm her from crying and says, "We will never be too far. We will always be close enough to help you carry the heavy load." The peak of the hill not too far now, I can't help but let out a sigh of relief.

Standing A Little Taller

As hard as things are right now in my life, I hold all the cards. I see Tamara color in her notebook and think to myself, "She is so much stronger then me." Right now I'm shutting things down. I'm taking things in bit by bit and simply getting over it. Thinking about the past really only recharges my battery with why I'm doing what I'm doing. I'm gonna smile. I'm gonna laugh. And instead of hating the hurting feeling I feel right now, I'm gonna enjoy it. Why? Because it's only gonna bring me and my kids true happiness.
Because of me, my family hurts. And maybe that was part of the reason with why I held on so long. I didn't want my family to have to hurt anymore then what I've already put them through in the past. It hurts me more to think about what my family now has to go through, versus my little family not being whole anymore. Oh please! We were never whole to begin with. Even though I tell myself that it's all his fault, it's just as much mine as it is his.
As I continue to move forward, I see the road begin to increase. I look up into the sky, shaking my head from left to right. I say aloud, "The broken road isn't enough? Do you really have to make it that much harder for me?" I keep pushing on the gas only to feel the car rumble back at me as if it were screaming, "Give it a rest already!" The car comes to a halt. I start to break down in tears. Listening to my kids crying in the back. I look up and ask myself, "What the hell am I doing?" I put the car in neutral, get out and start to push. Pushing the car against the increased road, rocking it back and forth to try and give the car as much momentum before I give it my all to get it over this hill. Sweat dripping down my face, pushing as hard as I can, the load of the car begins to feel lighter. Could I really be this strong? I look up only to see 8 familiar faces pushing along side me. I begin to tear up again with a heart full of gratitude.
Can I just say that I have the greatest family in the world. I'm sure there are others out there that feel the same way about their families, but seriously, I really do have the greatest family in the world!

A Bumpy Ride

A broken family. A broken dream. I can't help but dwell on it all. I look back and think that it was too much. Why couldn't he just understand? Why couldn't he change? And above all, why did it have to be him? I wasted so much time on trying to keep things together.

I knew I would go down this road eventually. I've just created so many detours it's made going down this road that much harder. I feel the car wanting to give in each time I drive over a bump or through a deep hole. Jerking left and right trying to get around as much of the hard parts as possible. I want to drive off the road until I see that it's smooth. Doing that, I would only be creating another detour. I have to go through it.

I will no longer be a prisoner.

Moving Forward

Sitting here listening to Take A Bow by Rihanna. This song really does describe what's going on in my life right now. And all I really want to do is smile. It's a cleansing feeling. And as much as it hurts, all I have to do is take one look at her and say to myself, "She deserves better." It helps that this time around, she doesn't ask for him. She hasn't said "dada" since he left. She's not stupid. She knows he was doing something wrong.
As I press on the gas, tears fall from my eyes and I continue to move forward. I glance at my rear view mirror and see him walking in the opposite direction. I take one deep breath in, look at the kids and say aloud to myself, "This is for the best."
Every single minute of my day and every moment I look at Tamara, I hurt. When will I get through this? I want the pain to go away. How long will it take?

Carpe Diem

The best part of it all is that now, I can do things my way and my way only. It's time I go for my dreams. How am I gonna teach Tamara to go after her dreams if I don't do it myself. Lead by example. I see a lot of hard headaches right now, but happiness isn't too far away either. I know I'm a burden to my family with all of this, but we've been through much worse times. I've been lost for so long that finally making this decision to kick him out of my life has now brought light to my life. 

I woke up this morning thinking to myself, what have I done? And after pondering about it all, the real question is, what am I gonna do now? My answer to that is, go back to school. Being a single Mom to two kids, what else could I do better then to go back and get it done. I'll be fine and so will they. The real fight of my life is now, moving on and improving. I'm gonna be strong and win this fight. Losing is not an option. Losing is failing my kids and I will not have that. I won't turn back now.

I see myself driving down a straight and narrow road. A broken road. A road with many pot holes, broken cement, and tar that has failed to piece the road together. My car is running on empty, tires threads are bare and look as though they are about to flatten. I hear my kids in back yelling and screaming. The feeling of the steering wheel beneath my sweating hands is telling me that I'm not gonna make it. And even though I'm thinking in my head, I can't make it down this road, I roll the windows down and I'm still in drive.

It's exciting. To think that without him in my life, I feel free. I feel like I can do anything. Instead of stressing and worrying about little stupid things that weren't even worth time in the first place. I can now set the path that only a mother can imagine for her kids to follow. My dream is to leave this world with a legacy my kids can follow so clear and built so strong that their kids and their grand kids will have no problem following either. 

Things More Clear

He's finally made his decision. He loves his single life more then his Wife and Kids. As much as I've suffered trying to keep our family together, I know his struggle will come back on him each time he sees little kids. He's gonna hurt. And even though he has no where to go, he's driven me so far that I honestly don't care. He should've made his decision earlier. He was here physically, but his heart was somewhere else. I feel bad for people like that and the families that are affected by situations like this.
I won't let down, give up, or give in. It's time to figure it out without him and move on. Living the life of a single mom was never something I planned for growing up, but that's what I'm facing now. Changes in my life are about to take place and it's only for the better of my life and the life of my kids. So many choices to make and I'm happy I can make them alone without him.
When things go this bad in life, I think of the blessings that I get in return. My family. We are not perfect but we get through it. Just like any other family out there. Mine knows the true meaning of patience, respect and love. Qualities I most definitely want my kids to be raised around.

Just Like Flowers

It's like flowers. You try your hardest to keep them alive but in the end, they die. It's a little similar to life. The peddles are the beauty, the thorns are your trials, the stem is what makes you grow and that middle part of the flower in the center of all the peddles are all the meaningful things in life, like your family, friends, accomplishments, goals which keeps everything together.
Then there are the bees. They are those that come in to your life and pretty much ruin you. As they eat up all your nectar, the peddles slowly start to fall and the beauty of your life starts to fade.
I have many bees in my life. I really just want to catch them in a glass bottle and them suffocate until they die. But at the same time, without the bees in life we wouldn't be able to see the hard parts of life that, in the end, really do help us out. So, really, bees hurt, but bees help.
If only life were like a fairytale book. Where everything is great, you have one foe that you end up defeating anyway and you know that you will have a happily ever after. What a joke right?

Not Enough

It's about time I set the expectations higher than usual. I might not be stable, but I do know that the only way I can be is if I expect more of you. They deserve the best, and the best they will get. I have held off and waited for too long that I'm running restless. Happiness takes hard work. We can't expect it to come knocking at our doors. I'm willing and able. They are my drive and motivation.
Sometimes I wish I could just fast forward my life to when I have no questions and I know things are secured. But then again, I won't grow as a person if I don't go through what is in store for me.

Last Chance For Romance

I honestly don't know how many times I've said the title in my life. I do know that it's been too many times. But with how far I've taken things to get us to the point we are now, it deserves one last chance. I've driven him so far away, it's like I can't do anything at all.
It's almost as if I were to draw a picture of a house with no windows and doors. All the memories and moments you don't want to forget are all locked in. And as much as I try and knock down those walls to get back in, I can't. I either fail, quit, or simply just too weak.
Now, I will give it my all, and try without fail to find out if there is still something worth fighting for. And the funny thing about all of this, is that I have no clue if there is even any fight on the other end.
I wish I could just sit down with God and ask him bluntly, what do I do? I could use an answer to that question. I've heard the opinions of those in my life that are honestly only looking out for me, but when a mother thinking of her kids, knowing exactly what she wants for her kids is the opposite of those opinions I dare ask again, what do I do?
He's your daughters best friend. Your daughter means everything to you. And even if it meant to suffer with him for your daughters happiness, you would gladly do so. How long can I take it? How far does it have to go before things come crashing down further than you anticipate?
With how deep I've dug myself, all I can and will do is take it day by day.

Those Big Blue Eyes Get Me Every Time!

I swear Tamara can get away with anything with those big blue eyes. As hard as I try to discipline her, most times she gets her way. Just one look at her tear filled eyes makes me cave in. It's time to re-evaluate how to dominate these situations. Her vocal chords are equal to fire alarms and sirens. Her cry sounds like an overfilled day care center and the headache I get in return is equal to five women in full term labor. The cherry on top of all this loveliness, is being almost 7 months pregnant. I think it's safe to say that I could use a break. But then again, life doesn't give out breaks. One thing is for sure, I will make the best of every situation and grasp on to the present while I'm still sane. I can only see myself 20 years from now, wishing I could turn back and relive this time of my life. So, I guess what I'm saying altogether is that even though life has its "tough" times, they are times that we still need to enjoy.

When Will I Know?

I am at the point in my life where I have a million questions that pretty much can only be answered with time. My patience is really being tested and I feel like I can't wait for time to tell me the answers. Have you ever felt like the people you need to confide in are the ones that make it feel like you can't? Oh, how life really does come at you fast. My "try" is at a whole new level. It's a try that feels so impossible but I know that if I go for it, it will be worth it in the end. Whether things go my way or not, at least I WILL KNOW.