Trying

 I put such a hard shell on when I'm around everyone and I do feel it's necessary. But at the same time I have my moments where I simply just break down. Before I go to sleep at night, I can't help but dwell on it all and think about everything. From the good to the bad, wondering if one outweighs the other. I've thought about blogging about it but then think to myself of how stupid I would be to constantly only blog about me getting through it all and hiding the times I let go. I want the best for my kids. I want them to grow up with both their mom and their dad, being able to see them each and everyday. Having one or the other to confide in when they are in need of it.
Now, I can't give them that. I'm alone. I have to try my hardest to play both roles. It's hard. Getting over him alone is hard. I wonder if every day for the rest of my life, will I think about this. Cause I do now.
Do tears really heal the soul? Cause if it did, It's not working for me. How many sleepless nights will I have to endure? And really, how did I let it get this far?
Although the weight of the car has pretty much been lifted off my shoulder. I can't help but ask. Why help the one that has brought so much heartache and pain? All I've done has only brought shame to our family. Lee, the third oldest of us seven kids, looks at me and says, "That's just it, we're family. We might not agree with some of the decisions you've made in your life, but that doesn't mean we won't be here for you when you need us." As we each continue to push, I ask, "Where did you guys come from? How did you know where to find me." Mom looks at me as she carries Tamara to calm her from crying and says, "We will never be too far. We will always be close enough to help you carry the heavy load." The peak of the hill not too far now, I can't help but let out a sigh of relief.